Monday, January 30, 2012

Michelle Williams Kicks Her Job to the Curb, Wants to Mom It Up

It's refreshing to see a celebrity want to get rid of the nannies and personal chefs and just...well, be a mom. That's what Michelle Williams is planning on doing for the immediate future with her daughter, Matilda, by late boyfriend Heath Ledger. She's one star we don't necessarily want to disappear — but good on her.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Girl Who's Eaten Nothing But Chicken McNuggets Since Age 2 Collapses

Must. Stop. Eating. Nuggets. 

Well, that's not completely true: Stacy Irvine has also chowed down on fries, toast, and KFC. But the 17-year-old British girl has pretty much subsisted on the preservative-laden poultry since she was a toddler, has never had fruits and vegetables, and is plagued by anemia and has swollen veins in her tongue (betcha didn't think Happy Meals would lead to that, didja?). In her latest medical incident, Irvine was rushed to the hospital with breathing problems, where doctors learned of her unusual diet.

Amazingly, the teen is pretty svelte, all things considered, but doctors have warned her she is going to have further serious health complications if she doesn't start frequenting the produce aisle. Her mom says she's tried everything, including starving her, but we have to ask: Who's been buying her this crap all these years?

Should Stacy's parents be held responsible for her addiction to fast food?

Truant Kids Do the Darndest Things — Like Swim Across Frozen Rivers to Get Out of Class

Algebra class...or this? 

I just got a call from the school nurse. For the second day in a row, my 5-year-old daughter has come in, clutching her stomach and complaining that her belly hurts and the "bone in her head is aching" (don't ask). I'm normally a pretty anxious parent, the type who automatically thinks a headache and slightly sore neck means full-blown meningitis. So when I tell you that I know my kid is full of shiite, you must believe me — she just wants to get out of school.

Point being, kids will do almost anything to skip class and spend the day playing Sorry and Stratego with Mommy or Daddy. This teen, who attempted to swim across a frozen lake in the Catskills after fleeing campus, pretty much proves my point.

Should the kid be punished for truancy — or are his hypothermia enough punishment?

Sharon Osbourne Says She Will Be 'Grandma From Hell'

Jack Osbourne and his fiancee better lock the doors when their baby shows up in April — because Grandma Sharon is going to terrorize them with gifts! And clothes! And ice cream! The TV star has admitted that she's going to "be the grandmother from hell because I'm going to spoil this baby so bad."

I guess we shouldn't really be all that surprised, considering her husband's loose dalliance in Satanism and penchant for bat heads (it was rubber — I know, I know).

Would you want Sharon Osbourne to be your grandma?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Yeah, So, One of Those Chicks From 'The Hills' Is Pregnant

The Hills is one of those reality shows that I just couldn't bring myself to watch — and you know how I love my reality shows (or maybe you don't...I love reality shows).

So color me "meh" for hearing the news that Kristin Cavallari is with child with on-again/off-again fiance Jay Cutler. He plays football or something like that, right?

Will Kristin and Jay make it to the altar?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

It's About Time Parents Got Spanked at a TV Taping

In a situation that can only be labeled as "every child's dream," mom Kellie Rodriguez was spanked over and over (and over) again at the taping of Disney Channel show Good Luck Charlie. After being called onstage by the comedian in charge of crowd control to take part in an "audience participation" dance, Rodriguez was paddy-whacked and smooched by the host. She's suing, naturally.

Would you be outraged if your buttocks were pummeled on national TV?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Why You Can't Name Your Child “Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116" in Sweden

Benson and Hedges for a pair of New Zealand twins? Approved! 

It might be acceptable to bestow a trendy (or idiotic) name on your kid here in the US of A, but there are strict rules governing baby-labeling in countries around the world. For instance, New Zealand doesn't allow any name that "might cause offence to a reasonable person" ("Sex Fruit" and "Yeah Detroit" appear on the rejected list), while in Denmark, parents get to choose from a preapproved list of about 7,000 or so monikers.

American celebrities, are you listening?

What's the strangest name you've ever heard for a baby?

Monday, January 16, 2012

First a Golden Globe, Now Frasier's Having a Baby


I'm still reeling that Kelsey Grammer won an HFPA award last night (really?! Bryan Cranston and Steve Buscemi not good enough for you, foreign press?!), but today his new (fourth) wife is probably the one reeling — from morning sickness: Kayle Walsh Grammer is pregnant with twins. The new additions will join Kelsey's four other children from previous relationships/marriages/reality show arrangements.

Camille, you dodged a bullet on this one. No, literally — Kelsey's bullet.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Next Up for Blue Ivy: 'NY Times' Best-Seller List?

Blue Ivy Carter, illuminati daughter of Beyonce and Jay-Z, has already racked up her first world record: the youngest person to make it onto the Billboard charts, thanks to dad's song "Glory," which features her cooing and crying in the background.

I hate overachievers.

[Image: The Daily Beast]

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Want Fries and Some F. Scott Fitzgerald With That?

One-upping the healthier-eating campaign undertaken by stateside counterparts, McDonald's restaurants in the U.K. are replacing Happy Meal toys with (wait for it) — books.

Each book also comes with a finger puppet. Which is a toy, right?

Literate idea or destined to be another fast-food flop?

Don't Get Suave on That Bathtub Bling

"Our baby's gonna be mean and clean."

Blue Ivy Carter, Beyonce and Jay-Z's new addition, is getting flooded with gifts from the power couple's friends.

Let me get the prerequisite eye roll out of the way. OK, let's's continue. Of particular note is a $5,200 crystal Swarovski bathtub gifted to Blue Ivy by Beyonce's former Destiny's Child mate, Kelly Rowland.

Sorry — I can't go on.

Do you think there's a little bit of overkill when it comes to celebrity baby gifts?

Can Bob Handle All the Boobage?

We're talking about Bob from Sesame Street — and we're referring to the fact that there's an online petition circulating asking to bring breastfeeding segments back to the popular children's program. Back in the '70s, Buffy nursed Cody on the show (see video above), so it's not like they haven't worked lactation in before.

Bob better get with the program, because breastfeeding is a natural, nurturing way to feed our babies (bottle-feeding's awesome, too — whatever works, ladies), not the oversexualized act it's morphed into with certain demographics (i.e., pervy dudes).

OK, we're probably not being fair speaking for Bob. Maybe he's totally cool with colostrum.

Would you sign a petition to showcase breastfeeding on kids' shows?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

George Carlin Would Be Proud

Cursing — hurray!

Modern Family
makes us laugh. Like, really laugh. So it's no surprise that the show may be the first sitcom to allow a child to use the f-bomb. Cam and Mitchell's daughter, Lily, will have the honors on an upcoming episode (though rumor has it we won't actually hear the audible when she says the expletive — we'll simply see it).

We'll be watching — we swear.

Modern Family's foray into cussin': Disturbing or hilarious?

[Image: ABC]

Best. Make-A-Wish Request. Ever.

Screw Disney World. Seven-year-old Maxwell Hinton, who recently underwent treatment for neuroblastoma, a malignant cancer tumor, was told to ask for anything he wanted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation and decided: I want to blow a building up.

So he did. You're awesome, Maxwell — Inside Voice sends you our best and hopes you kick ass in your recovery!

What do you think of Maxwell's unusual request?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

How Many Dumbasses on a Plantation Does It Take to Create a Racist Math Worksheet?

"Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?”

This isn't a question from math textbooks in the pre–Civil War Deep South: It's a sample problem from homework recently sent home in a Georgia school district. Third-grade teachers in the Gwinnett County School District were attempting to do a "cross-curricular" activity to tie in with their history lesson plan on abolitionist Frederick Douglass. Which I guess was supposed to explain the next question on the worksheet: "If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"

Parents = not so thrilled.

Monday, January 9, 2012

No More Juvies Gone Wild on Bourbon Street

Yeah, won't be doing any more of *that*.

Worried about your whippersnappers doing Whippets after-hours in the French Quarter? You'll be pleased, then, that city officials in New Orleans have extended the curfew for those 18 and under to 8pm on Fridays and Saturdays, in addition to the curfew already in place during the week.

Looks like the little ones will have to get their beads at Build-A-Bear from now on.

Say Her Name, Say Her Name: Beyonce's Baby Born

Yes, the day you've all been waiting for has arrived: Beyonce's baby has been birthed. Plus, in a move that would make the numerologically obsessed Louis Farrakhan proud, the supercouple has named the newborn Blue Ivy (the second part's supposedly a shout-out to the Roman numeral IV, which they're inexplicably infatuated with).

Of course, true to form, there's been no official announcement about the blessed event — just a whole bunch of tweets from their famous friends welcoming the baby. I'll go with Twitter on this one.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Screw Samoas — Hello, Savannah Smiles!

I hate fundraisers with the intensity of a million screaming Howard Deans, but I actually look forward to when the Girl Scout cookie list comes around — cramming my freezer full of Thin Mints and Tagalongs is pretty much the highlight of my year.

Yet there was always something missing. I still yearned for "bite-sized, lemon-wedge cookies dusted in powdered sugar and bursting with lemon flavor." Wait — what? The Scouts are introducing just such a cookie, Savannah Smiles, to celebrate the organization's 100th anniversary? You don't say.

What's your favorite Girl Scout cookie?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Occupy Elementary Schools!

Want to steer clear of edumacation that indoctrinates your kids into the latest philosophical/political fad? Don't enroll the little ones in this Virginia school, then, where students were allegedly forced to sing a pro-Occupy Wall Street song — or, as one blog put it, "Marxist rhetoric."

99 problems, and being off-pitch ain't one.

[photo: Franziska Handke/Getty Images]

Aw, Nuts — Man Busted for Exposure During Chipmunks Movie

Dave's O-face?

Before he got roped into these inane "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movies, Jason Lee was hot in a grungy, '90s-Seattle, live-with-my-parents-but-I'm-still-cool kind of way. Not hot enough to really justify why this guy decided to strip down in anticipation of a cocaine-fueled orgy with a movie usher at a Chipwrecked matinee — but still.

Maybe David Cross dressed in a duck costume is more his type.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Beyonce Bans Baby Pics

Distracting the paparazzi with your 'do can only work for so long — they're gonna want that kid.

They won't be putting a ring flash on Beyonce's soon-to-be newborn: The singing superstar and her husband, Jay-Z, haven't responded to a single offer to contort their new creation in front of the cameras.

Destiny's child might get some privacy after all.

Fergie to Fornicate for Family?

Oh, wait — they're married. So I guess it's not technically fornication. Anyways, guess Josh made up for whatever philandering he did/didn't do some time back. Wife Fergie's in a baby-makin' mood, predicting that maybe 2012 is the year she'll pony up a diapered little Duhamel. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

That Will Be 10 Cents and a Week in the Clink, Kid

Hope "The New Baby" was worth it! 

Slow week for cops in Charlton, Massachusetts, who stopped by the Benoit household to strong-arm their 5-year-old daughter into returning her overdue library books or paying the fines STAT.

A little too much sugar in your donut today, cappy?

And You Thought Your Holidays Home With the Kids Sucked

At least your children weren't attacked by a kangaroo on New Year's Eve.

So quit yer belly-achin'.

[photo: The Raw Story]