Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Like S'mores? Like Oreos? Meet — S'Moreo!


As if your kitchen cabinets didn't house enough crap, along comes this concoction.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Get Ready for the Coal, Kiddies!


We continue the Christmas week festivities at Inside Voice with a song from last year that represents what many parents are feeling this time of year. Parents FTW!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Holiday Song From Inside Voice — And It's All Because You Didn't Send Us a Holiday Card


Every Christmas, we're plagued with disappointment. No, not because of the crappy Brookstone foot massagers and Tempur-Pedic-knockoff pillows we receive from loved ones who waited till December 23 to brave the malls. Not from the rude awakening we get (literally) every Christmas morning from our arise-at-the-crack-of-dawn children when we thought maybe, just maybe, we'd get to sleep a little later on our day off. Not even because hanging out with our relatives all day isn't quite as much fun as it used to be when we were kids — even with the assistance of JD-spiked eggnog.

The reason for our seasonal sadness? Not receiving a Christmas card from you. Yes, you. You see, we love getting mail. Kind of like when you were a freshman in college and you'd head down to your dorm mailbox after dinner, desperately and pathetically hoping you'd get a love letter from your high school boyfriend or girlfriend wanting to get back together, or a care package from Mom packed with Cheez Wiz and beer, or hell, even those stupid Columbia House direct-mail brochures asking you if you wanted to keep your Selection of the Month.

Your lack of correspondence has plunged a reindeer antler through our heart. The only way we can express ourselves is through song. Specifically, this song. We hope you understand.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Santa's Not Just on Your Roof — He Might Slip You a Rufi!


I know why your nose is red, Rudolph — but what about me?

Who knew Kris Kringle could be such a creep? Definitely keep an eye out for the ones hanging out in Berlin marketplaces, where one naughty Pere Noel drugged a 15-year-old girl after offering her what she thought was plain old holiday hooch.

Though you'd think the teen's reindeer radar might have gone off when SANTA offered her a NIGHTCAP. Herp derp.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Maybe Dad Meant to Pack Leftover Pot Roast — Not Pot — in Son's Lunchbox?

Cannabis leaves don't count as greens in the food pyramid.

I hate packing my kids' lunches. I'm unable to ever pack them the same meals and snacks because of their distinct palates, and my picky son's "Will Eat" list has slowly degenerated to the point of alternating daily between a bagel with butter and Campbell's soup. Most evenings you'll find me swearing my way through the refrigerator in a desperate attempt to put together some form of scurvy-preventing repast.

John Sulzbach has apparently found the perfect remedy to pushing through this most hated of parental duties. The only thing is, someone should have let him know you can't drop the joint into your toddler's lunchbox after you've finished cramming said lunch receptacle with munchie goodness.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Como se Dice 'Shitter Was Full'?

One of my favorite movie clips of all time is from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, which has somehow, unexplicably, become a holiday staple in our house:



We won't venture a guess as to how Clark's sewer got clogged, but around here, there's a particular 5-year-old who enjoys, among other things, Hello Kitty, Barbies, and cramming as much toilet paper as humanly possible into the commode.

Sure, she gets upset when I yell at her for effing up our plumbing — but she could also live in Spain, where authorities in Catalonia are now limiting how much TP schoolchildren can use as a cost-cutting measure.

Mierda!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Forget the Xbox This Holiday Season — Plain Old Boxes Are Now All the Rage

Just make sure you pen something a little more cheerful.

Low on funds this December? Give your pathetically empty wallet a break: Sticks, cardboard tubes, and other household miscellany have made the Wired GeekDad team's list of the TOP FIVE BEST TOYS EVER.

Kick that Kinect to the curb!

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Mindy McCready Update: Three Kids (One on the Lam, Two in the Oven)

"No jury in America would convict me!"

As we mentioned yesterday, Mindy McCready was in hot water in Florida for failing to return her son to her dad's house. (McCready's mom has legal custody, her parents are divorced, and I'm already confused. Country singer, drugs, et cetera.) A missing person report was filed, but Mindy replied by saying something to the effect of "All is well!" in the way Kevin Bacon did right before getting comically flattened by a rampaging mob toward the end of Animal House.

That was yesterday. Today it's been reported that Mindy, who's somewhere in Nashville, says she can't return to Florida because, well, she's seven months pregnant with twins. Even though she was probably six-and-a-half months pregnant when she took her son from Florida to Tennessee.

She risks arrest. And she's ready for it:
"I'm a mom first," said McCready from Nashville, Tenn. "No matter what happens, I'm going to protect my kid. If I have to go to jail, so be it."
I think everyone should use the "I'm carrying twins" excuse. "Take out the garbage? Sorry, I'm carrying twins!" "I can't deliver that presentation today, Ted. I'm carrying twins!" "I'd give that stripper a bigger tip, but I'm carrying twins!"