Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Insert Joke About What the Country Song Title Related to This Episode Would Be

And by "tough" she means "willing to obey the rulings of a court in the state of Florida.

Country singer, Roger Clemens paramour, and maker of trouble Mindy McCready is in hot water yet again for borrowing and not returning her 5-year-old son from her parents, who have legal custody of the child.

A missing persons report has been filed.

People magazine, one of the outlets reporting the story, notes that
McCready posted a Facebook message saying, "My son is not missing" and that "police established that this afternoon via Skype."
Alas, when you click the link to the Facebook message, the "Wall" is empty. (I'm not going to subscribe to her feed just to read her Wall.) However, what you can see on her Facebook page opens but a small window into what's going on inside her meth-marred mind:

Like You Already Didn't Feel Like a Worthless Loser — Now Mall Santas Are Sizing You Up

These are the men who will be judging you henceforth.

To help manage children's expectations during this financially gloomy fourth quarter, Santas around the country are being cross-trained to assess a family's economic situation on the fly and appropriately "manage expectations" of the cherubs who climb onto their laps.

Maybe there's room for Daddy on the assembly line at Santa's workshop?

Jewel Had a Baby and Has the Picture to Prove It!

Meet Kase Townes, Jewel's 4-month-old son with that guy who always wears a cowboy hat. What a gem!

Kourtney-Who-Needs-No-Last-Name Pregnant With Second Child

One more I have to pay child support for when this all ends.

Thank you, Jebus, that the hubbub is finally starting to die down after the implosion of Kim Kardashian's publicity sham marriage to Kris Humphries. We can finally get on with our daily grind without another thought given to this fame-fetish fam...oh, wait.

The arguably best-looking of the sisters (according to The Anthony Show) also recently launched her own mommy blog. I don't think Daniel Craig will be reading it, but she'll definitely attract a certain demographic. It's all about the shoes, baby.

Monday, November 28, 2011

There Must Have Been Some Whoop-Ass in That Old Silk Hat They Found....

Not such a jolly, happy soul after all, are we?

"Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand" takes on a whole new meaning when you're dressed up as Frosty the Snowman and charged with assault at a holiday parade.

Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, look at Frosty go!

Not Only Is This Baby Huge — He's Also Ready to Wage War on the West!

He's not giving you the finger. He just wants to destroy you!

As if this poor Bavarian butterball isn't going to have to find a swaddling cloth large enough to hold his quite sizable 13 pounds (the heaviest baby EVER in Germany) -- his mom has inexplicably bestowed the name "Jihad" upon him.

Here's hoping they publish the names of her other 13 kids!

Another Addition to the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard Brood

This is what happens when you have surnames with double vowels: You just *have* to have double the number of children! Maggie Gyllenhaal and husband Peter Sarsgaard will be ponying up a new sibling for big sister Ramona in a few short months.

I predict a moniker rife with umlauts.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Girl Blames First DUI on Boyfriend's Reluctance to Take Her to See "Breaking Dawn"

Quick, Bella, we've got to save our fans from running off the road!

Anything related to the Team Jacob-Team Edward phenomenon personally drives me to drink, but for 18-year-old Olivia Ornelas, not being able to see Breaking Dawn, the latest installation in the "Twilight" series, forced her to hit the hooch. The ticked-off Illinois teen drove her car into a ditch after her boyfriend (good man!) refused to take her to see the emo-fest onscreen.

Chalupa or Child? Katy Perry Picks...

Opting to have a kid is a major life decision. Some people wisely realize that they're not quite ready for this spawning step, citing emotional, financial, or career obstacles that are temporarily derailing their parenthood plans.

Katy Perry's reasons for avoiding the maternity ward with husband Russell Brand are more straightforward: her love of the drink, In-N-Out Burger, and Taco Bell.

Monday, November 21, 2011

If You, Too, Think Child Labor Is the Bees' Knees, Root for Newt!

"What? Amirite, or amirite?!"

You know those irritating adult janitors in public schools who get all "we want protection on the job blah blah blah" and form unions to ensure their rights? Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has the solution: Get rid of all of those "stupid" child labor laws, cast out all the entitled custodians who probably just hit on the lunch aides all day, and put the kids to work scrubbing toilets. The Kidz!

Newt also says the Occupy Wall Street folks should "take a bath" and "get a job" -- in case you're wondering where he stands on that.

Reading Can Be Fundamental *and* Freaky!

We're always on the lookout for unconventional reading material for our 5-year-old and 7-year-old. These tomes should do the trick.

Toys 'R' Us: Nope, Not Gonna Take the Doll That Says "Crazy Bitch" Off the Shelves

OK, which one of you is getting the soap?!

Instead of going potty, one of the Toys 'R' Us exclusive "You & Me Interactive Play & Giggle Triplet Dolls" has a potty mouth, allegedly spewing out "You crazy bitch!" to handlers. The retail chain disputes the Claim of the Cussing Plastic Infant, insisting that the electronic message is simply "baby talk" and that it has no plans to remove the product from store shelves.

Watch the video for yourselves -- expletives or overreaction?

9021-Uh-oh! Dean Tweets Tori's Tatas

Note to all camera-happy hubbies: When expressing your love for your kids in 140 characters or less, make sure that your wife's mammaries don't sneak into the accompanying pic. Dean McDermott obviously didn't breast-vet while capturing son Liam on camera: Tori Spelling's bare chest was in full view in the background.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Holy Royal Pregnancy, Batman -- Kate Middleton With Child?!

Well, if In Touch says yes, it must be so, amirite?

At any rate, this breaking maybe-news gives us the chance to once more spread the URL love for this Tumblr account's Kate Middleton for the Win spoof. You're welcome.

Baby? No

Looks like Justin Bieber won't have to pony up child support after all. It was fun while it lasted, Mariah Yeater.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

More Elusive Than Snuffleupagus: The Missing Gordon

Sesame Street producers are on the hunt for the original dude who played Gordon on the popular children's program.

No, not Roscoe Orman, who's owned the role of the neighborhood fixture since 1973 (holy shit, that's almost 40 years).

Nope, not this guy, either.

This is also not the Gordon they're looking for.

The MIA mystery actor (possibly on their radar now for a reunion show?) played the character during an unaired test pilot shown to focus groups in 1969.

And you thought Mr. Hooper was enigmatic.

Monday, November 14, 2011

"Got-Damn, I'm Gonna Keep Reading to Kids!" Exclaims Porn Star

"Little Boy Blue, go blow your..." — hey now!

Porn queen Sasha Grey has seamlessly transitioned from her specialty of getting random men's juices flowing to getting schoolchildren's *creative* juices flowing (see what I just did there?) — and she's in it for the long haul, people!

Apparently, parents of the Compton first- and third-graders Ms. Grey read to as part of the national Read Across America program aren't exactly thrilled about this expert in T&A assisting their kids with their ABCs and three R's.

Perhaps they'd prefer if she took over the sex ed department?

Baby Layaway Plan — Just in Time for Christmas!

Maybe Jackie French Koller was on to something after all.

Can't afford that newborn just yet? Joana Delacruz Huerta is more than glad to set up an installment payment plan for you to ease those burdensome holiday expenses. As soon as she gets out of the clink for trying to sell her infant to Marilu Munoz, look for her next baby swap on Craigslist.