Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Dream of Ruby

Where's Max? In a better place than you, you big know-it-all.
Hi folks! It's the dad-half of the Inside Voice duo. What better way to break up my lazy hiatus than to tell you about a dream I had last night that was related to the children's programming on the channels under the aegis of Nickelodeon.

Unfortunately, it wasn't about having a three-way with the two female members of the Fresh Beat Band; I'm never that lucky. The dream concerned the siblings who are definitely rabbits and quite possibly orphans, Max and Ruby.

In this dream, which lasted mere seconds, the wife was informing me that Ruby was leaving the show. I remember (in the dream) wondering, What the hell is Max going to do? This was worse than Charlie Sheen leaving Two and a Half Men! Amusingly, in the dream it was assumed that Max and Ruby were actually actors portraying a brother and sister, though I can't remember whether they were actors playing cartoon rabbits, or actors who are cartoon rabbits.

I woke up soon after that, never knowing whether they cancelled the show, replaced Ruby with someone like Angelica from Rugrats, or rechristened it as just Max, where the little guy just wandered around for 15 minutes in an empty house, happy as can be without the meddling nagging of his prissy sister, shouting a single word like "CUPCAKES!" or "TRUCKS!" for the entire episode.

Maybe the word he'd use in the first sans-Ruby show would be..."FREEDOM!"

With Friends Like These...Man Trapped in Baby Swing for Nine Hours


"A hundred big ones says I can lube myself up with Tide and fit into that baby swing. I win the bet -- hey, where you guys going? Guys?!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Read It If You Dare: Calculating the Cost of College

Want to know how much you're going to have to pony up to get your whippersnappers edumacated? You sure? Don't blame the messenger.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Mom-to-Be Takes Performance Art to New Level With Planned Birthing Show

Oh dear. Marni Kotak just had to one-up those moms who think it's trendy and cool to Tweet or update their Facebook statuses during labor. How does she plan to do this? By inviting an audience to witness her baby's birth in a Brooklyn art gallery, of course.

Bummed you didn't think of it first?

Friday, October 21, 2011 Capitalizes on Parents' Chore Frustration With New Online Job Chart

Every time we set up some kind of rewards/consequences system in our house, it quickly falls by the wayside as our rage at inconsiderate infractions momentarily takes over the calm, cool consistency needed to follow through with such "positive reinforcement" processes.

Screw it -- we're going the capitalistic route from now on to take care of business: Hello, Amazon's MyJobChart.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Babies Go Gaga Over Fake Denim

To go along with Huggies jean diapers, Levi's has debuted elastic denim knockoffs for little ones under the my First Levi's brand umbrella, complete with sweatpants that sport "an enviable waistband."

There's a reason I wore my maternity jeans long after I no longer needed to wear them. Comfort first!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Birth Control Video Game for Teens: This Year's "Call of Duty"?

Keep your kids out of the unwed mothers' and fathers' ward with Birth Control Brigade, a video game in which your sexed-up teens put their hand-eye coordination to good use by keeping the virtual sperm from reaching the ovum by selecting various contraceptives.

Can't wait to see how they promote this in the Toys R Us holiday catalog!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

January Jones Reveals Newborn -- But Still Not the Dad

We may not know for sure if Don Draper is the father of little Gene (hey, anything can happen on Mad Men), and we're still in the dark as to who sired the son of January Jones.

Father's Day is a good eight months away, though, so Ms. Jones decided to take little Xander out in public before the paparazzi starts hounding her again.

Marathon Mom Finishes 26 Miles, Then Gives Birth

They say women sometimes get a burst of adrenaline after giving birth, experiencing that "runner's high" as if they had just completed a marathon.

In Amber Miller's case, she did things a little differently: She ran the Chicago Marathon, then booked over to the hospital to have her baby.

Children of the Corn? Parents Get Lost in Maze With Infant

At least they didn't meet Jack Torrance's fate.

Fun: Taking your 3-week-old baby to its very first harvest corn maze.

Not so fun: Getting lost in the maze with said baby as darkness arrives, as well as the mosquitoes.

They're Gonna Need a Lot of Stoli to Get Over This: Russian Babies, Now 12, Switched at Birth

екскремент! That's "Oh, shit!" in Cyrillic.

In Soviet Russia, we give you away to people even if they're NOT your parents!

At least, that's what this hospital did when they inadvertently messed up two infants' name tags nearly 13 years ago.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Municipal Officials Meet Monthly Eff-You Quota by Demanding Man Take Down Sons' Treehouse

Seriously...the guy applied for a zoning variance and has already invested $3,200 in the fun-time fort for his two young sons.

Dear Fairfax County: Trunk-ate your mission to tear down the treehouse and use a little common sense, wontcha? Would you rather the boys be spending their time TP'ing City Hall?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Kate Moss Disgusted Because 9-Year-Old Daughter Won't Whore It Up With Makeup Like She Does

Kate in one of her "prudish" moments of weakness -- no cosmetics!

Let's hope the sensible-sounding Lila Grace will also turn her nose up at her supermodel mom's penchant for bad boys, booze, and blow.

You can break the cycle, young grasshopper.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Beyonce Alerts the Media to Her Due Date

Confirming her pregnancy, due date, and that she's actually married to Jay-Z, all in one fell swoop!

No more single ladies here. Keep moving.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Yet They're Allowing Unlimited Baguettes: French Ban Ketchup in School Cafeterias

Ah, the irony: Kids in France will now only be allowed to dine on French fries once a week -- and that's also when they'll be allotted their weekly ration of ketchup.

All in the name of preserving the French culture, you see.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Financial Fribble? Friendly's Declares Bankruptcy

There aren't many places we're willing to take our young children to eat without popping 10 Advil beforehand. They're still learning the requisite social graces necessary to chow down at, say, Cheesecake Factory -- so to hear that Friendly's has filed for Chapter 11 is dining devastation for us.

At least we can still order our Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity repasts at the chain's breakfast-focused competitor -- for now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Mom Circumvents Whole Adoption Route Thing, Sells Baby for 15 Grand

You can't sell a baby in Delaware, according to Cpl. John Welgarz of the New Castle County Police.

Oh, really? Tell that to Bridget Wismer. She just wanted to take her other two kids to Disney World. What else is a single mom to do?

At least she was more financially savvy than the mother who tried to trade in her tot for a Chalupa.

Nix Those Piano Lesson, Stat!

Think your darling's going to be a virtuoso? Stop cramping her style.

We all know the type — the mom or dad who, as soon as they see Junior has an inclination or talent for a certain sport or activity, signs him up for every private lesson under the sun and nixes all his free time so he can become the next Derek Jeter or Justin Bieber (God help us all).

But maybe forcing your kid to "follow his passion" is akin to extracting every creativity gene out of his atomic structure and stomping them into (even smaller) bits.

What's the Perfect Age to Have a Kid?

"God help me, I should've gotten pregnant at the prom."

Damned if we know. But this article offers some intriguing pros and cons -- and you might be surprised at its concluding decision.

Pam Pops One Out!

Jenna Fischer, a.k.a. Pam from The Office, has welcomed her first child, Weston Lee.

Does Jim know about this?!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Boy Capitalizes on Video Game Skills, Thwarts Robbery

Don't mess with Turkish preteens. This 12-year-old immobilized a jewelry store robber like he was playing Kick the Can.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Holy Bicuspid, Batman!

What do you do if your teeth have been in pain for several months and your dear old dad won't make a dentist appointment for you?

Pulling out your own teeth
is one way to go.

Not quite as bad as someone gouging their own eyes out with their bare hands during church service — but still.