Wednesday, September 28, 2011

No More Daisy Dukes for You: Jessica Simpson Reportedly With Child

J. Simps has certainly turned her life around: After breaking up with hubby Nick Lachey and a high-profile failed romance with Tony Romo, the crooner got engaged to former football player Eric Johnson and now is apparently craving nachos with chocolate because she's allegedly preggers.

Take that, Lachey!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

World, Meet Poke Meske! Parents Leave Baby's Name up to Facebook Poll

"Da-da?"

Lindsey and Dave Meske have a little bit of a dilemma. Their second daughter is due early next year, and they can't decide on a name. Time to create a Facebook poll!

Guess it's better than asking their Twitter followers: #iwasnamedonasocialmediasite Meske doesn't have the same ring to it.

Kindergarteners Forgo Trips to Chuck E. Cheese, Tour Yale and Harvard Instead

It's never too early to start drilling the you'd-better-go-to-college-or-you're-a-big-fat-loser message into your kids' heads. That's why New Haven, Connecticut, schools are launching a program that intends just such an indoctrination for kids in pre-K through grade 8.

Do they serve chicken nuggets and GoGurts at Cornell?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Smells Like College Tuition: Remember This Guy?

How much did they pay Spencer to show his junks? A whopping $200.

The "Nirvana baby" (a.k.a. Spencer Elden, the naked infant who was thrown into a pool for the rock band's 1991 Nevermind album) is now 20.

Here's Spencer re-creating the famous album cover a few years back:


Makes you feel old, don't it.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mile-High Maternity Club: Baby Born in Flight Over Ocean

Ever wonder what nationality your baby would be if he were born while you were flying in a plane over international waters?

Aida Alamillo's a bit curious about that very query.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

90-Year-Old Cassanova Fathers 50 Kids — That He Knows Of

Luiz and his bitches enjoy a post-coital Marlboro.

Some seniors play bridge, or sign up for a line-dancing class, or try their hand at canasta. This Brazilian babe, however, uses his government old-age pension check to woo the blue hairs: Luiz Costa de Oliveira has sired 50 kids after two marriages and a slew of extramarital dalliances — including with his second wife's sister and his mother-in-law. Those 50 children have produced at least 100 grandkids to carry on Lothario Luiz's legacy.

Dude must have a kick-ass tie collection.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Archies Need Not Apply: Sperm Banks Don't Want Redheads

You wish, dude -- no one wants your milkshake.

Talk about a scarlet letter: Cryos International, the world's largest sperm bank, has informed its redheaded donators that it doesn't need their semen, due to low demand.

Except in Ireland, where apparently swimmers from those with fiery coifs sell quicker than pints of Guinness at the corner pub.

Friday, September 16, 2011

British Toddlers Added to Criminal Database for Saying "Gay," "Broccoli Head"

Read between the lines of this painting, my friends -- we have a thought crime in process.

The U.K. doesn't mess around when it comes to combating racial and homophobic slurs. More than 30,000 kids, some as young as 3, have been added to a national thought-crime database for verbal infractions on the playground and in the classroom. The records are permanent and may affect future careers.

But how can they be racist? They have such nice accents!

SpongeBob Beats Up Two Women on Hollywood Boulevard

"I'm just jonesing for a fight, man!"

I spent all of yesterday defending the fact that I let my kids watch SpongeBob despite all of the recent scientific hubbub.

Now this. Thanks a lot, SpongeBob.

Mom Mistakes Local Barnes & Noble for Day Care Center Over the Summer

No books on child abandonment here!

Charlene Sutherland is going to have the most literate latchkey kids ever while she's in the slammer for dumping them at the bookstore while she ran her daily errands.

Have to say, it is marginally better than the dads who leave their kids in the car while they frequent strip joints.

This Mom Feels Guilty in 19 Different Ways — Get in Line, Lady

Yes, let's do play jack-in-the-box for the zillionth time today!

Devon Corneal lets her kid eat brownies when he hasn't eaten his dinner.

She's impatient.

She doesn't enjoy playing with fire trucks.

Next.

We Can Only Hope: Mariah Carey's Kids Won't Be in Showbiz

"Our kids will be doctors! And lawyers! And QVC hosts!"

That's according to hubby Nick Cannon, anyway.

The 4-month-old twins are already hystrionically screeching their way through life in the nursery -- why would they need to follow in their mama's footsteps on the stage?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Note: Child Abductions Don't Look Good on Your Resume When Running for the School Board

Alvina Sheeley recently found out the hard way that her attempted kidnapping of four young schoolgirls back in 1998 might put a slight damper on her candidacy for the Fairfield-Susin school board in Northern California.

Maybe she's the one who's holding Michaele Salahi?

Hey, Mom, Can You Lend a Fist?

My mom can beat up your mom -- and your sister, too!

Here on Long Island, we don't just chaperone our 12-year-olds to prescheduled fights to settle Facebook tiffs -- we open cans of whoop-ass on the preteen spectators.

In Brazil, 14-Year-Olds Don't Go to the Middle School Dance — They Get Hitched

Kids, Christ the Redeemer is calling you to tie one on at Carnivale — not tie the knot.

What's scariest about the 2010 Brazilian census report isn't the fact that it shows nearly 43,000 children under the age of 14 are living with domestic partners. It's that most parents aren't aware it's against the law for them to go and marry off their young 'uns, according to the president of the Brazilian Association of Judges, Prosecutors and Public Defenders in Juvenile Court.

Hope they all have solid prenups so they get to keep their PS3s and iPhones when the relationship goes south!

"Berenstain Bears" Venture Into Indian Animation

It still bothers me that the young cubs in The Berenstain Bears are simply referred to as "Brother" and "Sister" (sounds a little too cultlike for my liking).

You gotta give a thumbs-up, though, to the cartoon for being progressive, as it becomes the first animated series to be translated into the ancient Lakota language, one of the varieties spoken by the Sioux.

Gumby's Going to the Pokey

See you in solitary confinement!

A couple of days ago, we promoted a story about a robber who ripped off a 7-11 dressed as the popular green children's character.

Looks like the coppers have nabbed the costumed claymation criminal.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Searching for the Most Ridiculous Parenting Gifts Imaginable? Look No Further!

What have we here? Quatto from Total Recall and his adoring surrogate? Nope -- just a disturbingly creepy Snuggie.

Click here to see other baby products that probably should have been left on the factory conveyor belt.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Watching 'Spongebob' Will Annihilate Your Kids' Brains

"Patrick, look -- everyone watching us is a dumb-ass!"

Kids may be sponges, but that doesn't mean they should be watching one on TV. Filed under "So, What Else Am I Doing to Screw My Kids Up?" category, a study by University of Virginia scientists has shown that 4-year-olds who watched just nine minutes of the pineapple-under-the-sea dweller exhibited diminished "executive function." Awesome -- does that mean they won't boss me around so much anymore?

Oh, wait..."diminished executive function" means shitty attention and cognitive abilities. Well, they only tested 4-year-olds -- which explains my space cadet daughter. But that means my 7-year-old's in the clear!

Your Kids Won't Go Transgender If They Watch Chaz on "DWTS" — The APA Says So!

The sight of this man will not incite rampant nationwide sex changes -- unless they wanted one already. Promise!

Trendy TV shrink Dr. Keith Ablow has declared that letting your children view Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars could possibly trigger Gender Identity Disorder, or GID.

Not so fast, says the American Psychiatric Association.

Please, Dr. Ablow: Worry more if your kids are watching Jersey Shore.

Posh and Harper Take Manhattan

Victoria Beckham took her fashionable fourth child (and first girl) out in NYC for a little retail therapy. Something tells me I'm not going to run into them in Target.

Got Milk? This Kid Does

A toddler drinking cow's milk -- not so weird, right?

A toddler drinking cow's milk directly from the cow's teat? Well, maybe a little weird.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Maybe Pokey Would Have Been Taken More Seriously in This San Diego Robbery?

Apparently, disguising yourself as Gumby does not evoke terror in 7-11 clerks when you try to knock over the store.

Lord Voldemort next time, perhaps?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

There's a Reason There Are No Prostitute Costumes for Toddlers at Party City

I'nt this precious?

Dressing your 3-year-old like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is no big deal if you're one of the moms on TLC's train wreck of a TV show, Toddlers and Tiaras.

Just ask Wendy Dickey, who thinks dressing her kid in pint-sized eff-me pumps and fishnets are no worse than parents who "[force] them into sports and [get their children] injured."

Behold little Miss Dickey as both slutty Vivian Ward AND classy polo-match-attending Viv. Stomp those divots, baby!