Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Teacher Fired for "Burn in Hell" Website

Can't an educator rant online about fire and brimstone anymore? Sheesh.

Oh, and she's a Catholic school teacher. Natch.

Waah, Somebody Poked Me!

Yet another excuse for your teenager to mope around the house listening to emo all weekend: Doctors warn that Facebook can make adolescents "depressed."

Mimi Not Yet a Mama

Simmer down, people -- Mariah Carey's contractions turned out to be a false alarm.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Facebook's Comin' to Getcha!

No way that girl on the left is under 13.

We've all seen those precious Facebook pages set up for babies. Or even, in some cases, for fetuses — those sonograms make groovy profile pics and are fun to Poke.

Make sure you get a fake ID for your newborn stat: Facebook is on a witch hunt to kick off underage users.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Stealing Posh Spice's Thunder?

Victoria and David Beckham are expecting their fourth child — and it's a girl! The gods have once more smiled down upon the first family of soccer and sucky pop music.

In other news, Spice Girls bandmate Mel B. is expecting her third kid. And she's really tired. 'Cause she's older this time and all that.

Turn That Tot Back Around

Don't want to look at your 1-year-old's whiny mug in the rearview mirror when he's having a meltdown? You're in luck: The American Academy of Pediatrics has done you a solid and recommended that all kids be kept in rear-facing car seats until the tender age of 2.

Of course, just as they hit the terrible 2's is when you're going to have to deal with that screaming maw in your mirror — but baby steps, people, baby steps.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Duggar Is Pregnant?! Get Out!

We're not going to even tell you which one. Really — does it matter at this point?

Ever Heard of This Kids' Movie?

Mars Needs Moms? Anyone? Bueller? Us, neither. Perhaps that's why it's being classified this week as one of Hollywood's biggest bombs EVER.

Pauvre Joan Cusack. This was gonna be her comeback!

Depressed Dads = An Abundance of Butt Swats

Next time you see a weary father paddywhacking his kid on the derriere, take pity. He's not losing his cool. He's just — sad. Apparently, fathers who suffer from postpartum depression (yes, it does happen, especially when they realize their free-wheelin' playboys lives as they knew them are over) are more likely to spank their toddlers.

So my husband whales on my buttocks every day as a friendly "love pat" because he's melancholy?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Knew There Was An Advantage to Being an Old Bag

More kids? Bring 'em on, baby!

Trying valiantly to disregard the position in this article that I am, indeed, middle-aged, the rest of the feature about how your take on parenthood changes with age is pretty interesting.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Looks Like Carrion — Er, Carry-on — To Me

Geez Louise. Stop being such a whiner, Natalie Williamson. So your baby was put in an overhead compartment on your last flight. That's just how they play peek-a-boo on Virgin!

Grandmother — at 23!

Yeah, sure you're 23. OK. Whatevs.

I did the math, and it seems possible that this Romanian chick could be a grandma before she reached the quarter-century mark, but still...and that picture. And it is The Sun. Hmmm.

Papa, Don't Preach...'Cause He's Keepin' His Baby!

There is life after Madonna, apparently — even new life, as director Guy Ritchie and his girlfriend, Jacqui Ainsley, have proved with the announcement of Ainsley's pregnancy. This will be the second biological son for Ritchie (he's spawned Rocco with the Material Girl).

Friday, March 4, 2011

Welcome to Cognitive-Dissonance Parenting!

Hey, Time magazine! Have you got anything to say about my decision to have children?

Oh. I see. Apparently, according to a study in Psychological Science, I am deluding myself into believing there is joy in having children without thinking about the misery they actually deliver!

But We Bet Brad Changes All the Poopy Diapers

So, tell me: Did you breastfeed?

You know who's a pretty good mom? Why, Angelina Jolie! So sayeth Johnny Depp — who also notes he'd be "in prison" if he had as many kids as Brad and Angie have.

Gone to the Poopermarket Lately?

I fully, completely, wholeheartedly now regret never tapping into those enormous fluffy shopping-cart covers when my kids were little. Because, apparently, there's a big ol' shit party going down on the handles.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

And This Adonis Isn't Being Reported to CPS Because.....

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Bring on the crazy, Charlie -- we can take it.

She Wasn't the Only One Who Needed a Diaper Change

So many things had to have gone wrong for this to happen, but Mars was aligned with Jupiter: A toddler wandered into a time-release vault at a bank and was stuck in there for four hours.

Yep -- police, fire department, air pumped into the vents, and everything!