Also in the news...

• Now that's a birthday bash: Dozens brawl at party for 3-year-old.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Dawson's leak (diaper, that is): James Van Der Beek welcomes baby girl.

Also in the news...

• Here's the scoop: If you attack Elmo, not only are you gonna get your ass whooped, but you're going to end up institutionalized.
  
  
• CELEBRITY ALERT: How bazaar: Octomom hawks nursing bra, couch she found out she was pregnant on, and much, much more at garage sale.


• At least she'll have street cred with the kids: Parents outraged that elementary art teacher used to be a prostitute.


• Well, naturally: Proposed toy ban infuriates McDonald's.

Also in the news...

• Would you like a baby brother or sist -- oh, wait, they changed their minds: China upholds one-child rule.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Cleavage not OK on Sesame Street, but SNL kinda digs it: Katy Perry pokes fun of Elmo-gate debacle on late-night TV.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: I'm gonna tap into my Carnac the Magnificent powers and guess it's going to be a boy or a girl: Bachelor star Melissa Rycroft getting "conflicting reports" on unborn child's sex.


• MOM, I WANT THAT: Toys guaranteed to screw your kids up for life.

Also in the news...

Better check yo' dates.

• TOTAL RECALL: Simi-gag: Popular baby formula pulled from shelves after traces of beetle found in powder.

The Worst Part Is, the Mom Bet on the Other Girl

And the crowd goes (not really) wild!

So, a girl-fight broke out in Florida (surprise). Well, it didn't exactly "break out" — it was kinda planned. One girl told her mother that she was on her way fight the other girl, so the mother, April Newcomb, thought the best thing to do would be to show up and cheer on her daughter. The whole thing was recorded and posted on (and then yanked down from) YouTube, and Newcomb found herself arrested.

Gawker has embedded a video from the local news, which includes clips of the fight with the mom's yells of encouragement.

I'm most curious about the title of the YouTube video: "Did you get a muffler? No, an Exhaust!" There's probably some double-entendre going on there, but I'm too old to know what it means.

Also in the news...

• I'd be more worried when the hickeys start showing up: Is it OK to kiss your child on the lips?


• Should make those "How did you spend your summer vacations" essays real interesting: Teachers arrested for having summer sex parties with students.


• Ditch Payless and Kohl's for a little Neiman Marcus action: Most expensive kids' clothing (just in case you have some extra cheddar lying around).


• Guess who'll still be living with you when they're 40? The consequences of coddling your kid now.

Also in the news...

Buy, buy, buy!

• It's only September, but Toys 'R Us is already messing with your mind: Retailer puts out "hot toys" list for the holidays.

Soon to be double-dating with Jon Gosselin: Bryan Masche.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Here's an idea, famewhore parents of multiples -- hows about you get away from the cameras and just raise your damn kids? Dad from Raising Sextuplets arrested for domestic violence.

Also in the news...

I'm going to be a father. That is all.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: "Yes, it is true": Man of few words Javier Bardem reacts to wife Penelope Cruz's pregnancy.

Also in the news...

Not bad for 47!

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Scientology = no morning sickness: Kelly Preston reports "easy pregnancy."

Dude, really?

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Someone's been snorting too much cilantro: Chef Jamie Oliver's son born, bestowed with the name Buddy Bear Maurice. Joins sisters Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela, and Poppy Honey Rosie.


• Better rethink talking about"doing the deed" in front of the kids: Children understand sarcasm, hyperbole, and euphemisms as young as 4.

Hope this guy's kids aren't on my route.

• Think twice before you pick on my kid, bucko: Dad confronts bullies on school bus.

"This should keep me homebound till Harvard...."

• Toy gun in backpack = two-year vacation from school. Hooray!


• Does your kid speak fluent Klingon? He just might get into college for free with these 11 bizarre scholarships.

Also in the news...

• No Altima, Acura, or heck, even Kia for this teen: Boy takes unusual transportation to school every day.

Stop whining or I'm dragging you back to your Exersaucer.

• Want a teacher who's got stalking convictions and restraining orders out against him? Go to New Jersey, where this guy finally got thrown in the slammer for dragging a belligerent student out by his ear.

Even poor little Apple doesn't want to be seen with anyone who runs a Web site called GOOP.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Like we care: Gwyneth Paltrow says daughter named after fruit is quite the equestrian.

Did you hit the jackpot or what, dude?

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Now what if David Silver had had to choose between the virginal Donna Martin and Megan Fox -- what a different world we'd live in: 90210 star and erstwhile hip-hopper Brian Austin Green says his hot wife wears the parenting pants in his family.

And I see Pax, and Maddox, and Vivienne, and Knox....

• CELEBRITY ALERT: S**t my grandpa says: Jon Voight brags and rambles some nonsense about his grandkids.

Also in the news...

• Still vying for your parents' attention with your adult siblings? Time to let the rivalry go, dude.


• Finally, a chance to dump some of that useless crap your kids "buy" at Chuck E. Cheese with their hard-won tickets: Amusement chain recalls promotional toys.


• Mr. Softie soon to be renamed Mr. Munchies: Medical marijuana dispensary to offer pot-flavored ice cream.


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Also in the news...

If the baby comes out with a full head of hair, we hope he doesn't sport his dad's coif.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: The power of Spanish fly: Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem expecting.


• Mama's boy or Daddy's little girl: Who's harder to raise?


• Think it'll be cute to post that video of your little one bustin' a move to Beyonce or Madonna? Get ready for a lawsuit.


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Also in the news...

What will you do with your hands now? Why, rub your pregnant partner's feet, of course!

• Maybe you don't care about the havoc that cancer stick is wreaking on your body, but perhaps the horrors it may inflict on your unborn embryo might cause you to pause: We're talking to you, Dad.

Your new best friend will be Butch in Cell Block #427.

• Don't worry, aspiring novelists, you don't have to OD after all: 6-year-old getting book deal was all a hoax -- perpetuated by his own mother.

Also in the news...

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Kevin Arnold, you are likely NOT the father: Winnie Cooper, a.k.a. Danica McKellar, gives birth to a son.

Not these two lame-o's again.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Kinda thought we had gotten rid of them: Kate says kids hate being at Jon's house. So there.

Also in the news...

Come and get 'em while they're hot!

• But they still have to have that Y chromosome: China may overturn one-child rule.

Hopefully the baby doesn't look like Sheldon.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: SNL alums continue to procreate: Rachel Dratch produces a mysterious son.

There's a reason this photo looks somewhat vaguely phallic -- eat enough of these, and you're gonna pop out a boy.

• Already got a football team and still vying for that little girl? Get the bananas and olives out of your pantry and stock up on some tofu.


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Also in the news...

Now how in the world are dentists going to apply this sticker to your child's teeth?

• Never you mind about those non-BPA-containing sippy cups that actually did turn out to have BPA in them: Instead, spend your time fretting about the toxin showing up in your kids' dental sealants.


• Don't feel like dipping into your pinot noir fund to buy more fugly wrapping paper for the next school fundraiser? Do as this mom does -- opt out.

Also in the news...

Honey, all of our forks are missing their tines. Oh, wait -- Johnny's entrenched them under his epidermis.

• Our parents had it lucky -- they just had to deal with tattoos and nose rings: Teens embrace newest self-mutilation trend of embedding objects under their skin.

I am not going to have sex for 18 more years.

• Mama's not the only one with the baby blues: Don't dismiss dad's depression when bringing home that package from the maternity ward.

Thank goodness you just got your J.D., honey -- because we're going to be living in a trailer in the driveway of your law firm.

• So much for that retirement palace in Boca: More parents busting into their IRAs, 401(k)s to pay for kids' college.

We contain just the right amount of salt and fat -- or not, depending on what you're looking for.

• Ever wonder why those Mickey Dee's chicken nuggets you've found under the car mats don't seem to have a spot of rot on them? It might not be the chemical nightmare you're envisioning.

Michael Jackson's Dad: I Beat My Kids With Love

Behave, or you'll have to spend a week in his neck fat.

Father of the Century Joe Jackson, who for some reason is still alive, claims that the ends justify the means when it comes to the parenting techniques that terrorized his children and played no small part in bringing the world Latoya.

"I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail," he said in a documentary produced by his estranged wife about Michael. "Most of them are dead now. He [Michael] didn't have to worry about that."

Well, Joe, thanks to a path of weirdness and abuse that began under your roof, Michael's dead now — and we still have Latoya!

Also in the news...

Don't forget to eat your spinach, kids, so you can get nice and strong like me!

• Who says professional athletes aren't literate: Miami Heat rookie Da'Sean Butler tweets a children's story.

I would eat hot coals for you, little one -- or something like that.

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Julian talks about jumping off of cliffs and other fatherly duties: The Strokes frontman opens up about being a dad.

Yep, I beat that schmuck Horton out for this plum role.

• The Cat in the Hat really is back: Dr. Seuss' most well-known mascot now star of new PBS series.