Thursday, September 30, 2010

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

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Friday, September 24, 2010

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Better check yo' dates.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Worst Part Is, the Mom Bet on the Other Girl

And the crowd goes (not really) wild!

So, a girl-fight broke out in Florida (surprise). Well, it didn't exactly "break out" — it was kinda planned. One girl told her mother that she was on her way fight the other girl, so the mother, April Newcomb, thought the best thing to do would be to show up and cheer on her daughter. The whole thing was recorded and posted on (and then yanked down from) YouTube, and Newcomb found herself arrested.

Gawker has embedded a video from the local news, which includes clips of the fight with the mom's yells of encouragement.

I'm most curious about the title of the YouTube video: "Did you get a muffler? No, an Exhaust!" There's probably some double-entendre going on there, but I'm too old to know what it means.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

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Buy, buy, buy!
Soon to be double-dating with Jon Gosselin: Bryan Masche.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

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I'm going to be a father. That is all.

Monday, September 20, 2010

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Not bad for 47!
Dude, really?
Hope this guy's kids aren't on my route.
"This should keep me homebound till Harvard...."

Friday, September 17, 2010

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Stop whining or I'm dragging you back to your Exersaucer.
Even poor little Apple doesn't want to be seen with anyone who runs a Web site called GOOP.
Did you hit the jackpot or what, dude?
And I see Pax, and Maddox, and Vivienne, and Knox....

Thursday, September 16, 2010

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

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If the baby comes out with a full head of hair, we hope he doesn't sport his dad's coif.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

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What will you do with your hands now? Why, rub your pregnant partner's feet, of course!
  • Maybe you don't care about the havoc that cancer stick is wreaking on your body, but perhaps the horrors it may inflict on your unborn embryo might cause you to pause: We're talking to you, Dad.

Your new best friend will be Butch in Cell Block #427.

Monday, September 13, 2010

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Not these two lame-o's again.

Friday, September 10, 2010

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Come and get 'em while they're hot!
Hopefully the baby doesn't look like Sheldon.
There's a reason this photo looks somewhat vaguely phallic -- eat enough of these, and you're gonna pop out a boy.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

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Now how in the world are dentists going to apply this sticker to your child's teeth?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

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Honey, all of our forks are missing their tines. Oh, wait -- Johnny's entrenched them under his epidermis.
I am not going to have sex for 18 more years.
Thank goodness you just got your J.D., honey -- because we're going to be living in a trailer in the driveway of your law firm.
We contain just the right amount of salt and fat -- or not, depending on what you're looking for.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Michael Jackson's Dad: I Beat My Kids With Love


Behave, or you'll have to spend a week in his neck fat.

Father of the Century Joe Jackson, who for some reason is still alive, claims that the ends justify the means when it comes to the parenting techniques that terrorized his children and played no small part in bringing the world Latoya.

"I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail," he said in a documentary produced by his estranged wife about Michael. "Most of them are dead now. He [Michael] didn't have to worry about that."

Well, Joe, thanks to a path of weirdness and abuse that began under your roof, Michael's dead now — and we still have Latoya!

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Don't forget to eat your spinach, kids, so you can get nice and strong like me!
I would eat hot coals for you, little one -- or something like that.
Yep, I beat that schmuck Horton out for this plum role.