Monday Morning Video Welcome: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players

Jenn thinks the song is creepy, my mother says the lead singer looks like a child molester, but I don't care. There is something rather warm and earnest about this musical family and their little song, and for a long time, Sasha would make me play it over and over again, which I would, as she sat on my lap and I was able to surf the Internet because I could shrink the window and it was a great way to kill time during those parts of the day when that half-hour before nap time takes forever to elapse.

The Hills Are Alive With Fertility

Right. So Jenn says we'll get more blog traffic if we cover some celebrity-related parenting news. So, okay. She found some news item on MTV about The Hills, a show I've never seen except for the occasional painful clip on The Soup.

Anyway, according to the journalistic efforts that is MTV News (the article is credited to "Jocelyn Vena, with reporting by Jim Cantiello" — "with reporting by"???), Stephanie Pratt (who?) says that somewhat-recent newlyweds and everlasting famewhores Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (who would be featured on my future blog about people I'd like to punch in the face) are considering spawning.

Makes you want to click that "Read more..." link, right?

So you did click that link, sucker! Now we can really dish! So...Steph is all, "Heidi is the one with the baby fever; Spencer is not," and MTV is all like, "Heidi may have caught the baby fever from hanging around with Stephanie and Spencer's nieces." OMG!

Eccch...I can't keep that up. Anyway, I found that last statement interesting because every time Jenn and I, as a childless couple, spent a weekend with my niece and nephew when they were toddler and infant, I left there thinking, "Being an uncle is fun...because I can leave."

I also enjoyed, if enjoyment comes with shedding a tear for the sake of humanity, and this statement by Heidi, according to StephPratt:

"I still want to get a house with a white picket fence. ... and then probably a dog, and then we'll move on to kids. And I want to take cooking lessons."

Here's a tip: Take those cooking lessons first, and when you're able to boil water without breaking anything or hurting yourself, then sign up for Lamaze.
Read more...

Also in the news...

• You're getting sleepy, so sleepy -- and you WILL go on the Tower of Terror: British theme park offers hypnosis for parents scared to go on rides.


• My kids ate dead bugs dipped in chocolate this week at the local children's museum -- yet they won't touch 80 percent of what I serve at dinnertime. Which is why I particularly enjoyed this Times article on getting kids to eat healthy without driving yourself (or your kids) crazy.


• Forget about ferrets, hamsters, fish, cats: Consider this creature the next time your kids pester you for a pet.

• Are caipirinhas really secret fertility elixirs? Brazil village dubbed "Twin Town."


• Now how is my Toyota Echo supposed to compete with that? Dad drops off kid on first day of school in helicopter.


• Does telling my kids I am going to smash their toys in front of their face qualify as cruel? Times readers debate insensitivity of scientific study where toddler is given toy that automatically breaks.


• Mumsey isn't just about the cheddar: Kids do well on SATs because their parents are rich and smart.


• Baby Brits on the lam: Three infants searched by police this year.


• They'll let you toke up in Amsterdam, but don't even think about global circumnavigation: Dutch girl's round-the-world sailing adventure ixnayed by government.


• What, just having kids isn't enough reality for you? Stay away from reality shows featuring kids.


• Preadolescent Autobahn: 9-year-old takes police on high-speed chase.

Now I'll Be Blushing Every Time I See "Juicy Fruit"

There's something enticing about any candy with name that's rendered obviously foreign thanks to consecutive consonants or a vowel combination you're not used to seeing. Maoam is one of those super-sweet Starburst-like chewies, and it features a couple of represented fruits having fun.

I mean, look at those guys. Just laughing and having an all-around good time. That British father who's all pissed off about the depiction of frolicking fruit, he's clearly overreacting. Honestly, what could be more wholesome and fun-for-kids than giggling and dancing fruits of different colors and species getting along so well?

All right, now that seems a little weird...

Uh...I don't really think that's a good idea...

Oooooookay, maybe the guy had a point.

My question is, who or what is that green guy, and why is he getting all the ripe-fruit action? Read more...

NameVoyager Analysis: Adolph/Adolf

I've got a hunch that when you learn about the NameVoyager thing, the first name you enter is your own. Eventually, you'll come around to Adolph or Adolf, because that's a name that obviously suffered a very steep popularity drop since well-known world events. The Adolf-with-an-F spelling actually was never very popular to begin with.

It's noteworthy that the non-Hitler spelling still hung around into the 1970s. Then again, Adolph, while a somewhat "foreign" name, isn't as unique (at least in the West) as "Idi" or "Pol Pot," so it's not as if naming your kid Adolph would be an endorsement of genocide. (Unless, of course, you're one of those nutty-Nazi New Jersey parents we heard about last year.)

But I wouldn't take that chance, either.

Perhaps the name hung around for so long because some kids were being named after their born-before-the-invasion-of-Poland fathers and grandfathers.

The name's Wikipedia page lists a number of notable Adolphs, nearly all of whom were born before 1920. One notable exception is some current politician in India named Adolf Lu Hitler Marak, whose parents might have thrown that "Lu" in there just to hedge their bets.
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Time for a Little PBS Nostalgia

There are certain TV moments from the 1970s that evoke warm, fuzzy, communal feelings that simply can't be replicated by today's children's programming. Watching Mr. Rogers change into his house sneakers and cardigan. A rousing rendition of "I Love Trash." The sweet giggles of the Chuckle Patch. And, for tristate-area dwellers, tuning your boob tube to Channel 11 and yelling "Pix pix pixpixpixpixpixpixpix!!!" to control a cheesy simulated Space Invaders game sponsored by WPIX (the same channel that hosted the faux Yule Log for so many years).

That's why we're so glad for YouTube, because we were easily able to serve up a little slice of Sesame Street nostalgia on this final August Friday. TGIF!

My favorite clips appear below in no particular order. We're sure they'll trigger those synapses and send you into intense flashback mode just in time for happy hour:


The King of Eight: I must have been 3 or 4 when I first saw this clip, the same age my daughter is now. She watches this video as if in a trance. I remember being similarly mesmerized by the counting, the tinny trumpet, and those castle windows flapping open and closed.


Fat Cat: This was probably my first introduction to rhyming words, though my favorite part was watching the sunglasses-clad beatnik aliens become extremely perturbed by the disruptive spoken poetry of the out-of-control orange dude.


Martians Discover the Radio: This clip still cracks me up, nearly 40 years later. Aw, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip!


The Pinball Series: The Pointer Sisters at their funkedeliciousest, mixed with a smattering of steel drums, an obsessive focus on one particular number, and a slow ride around a freaky-looking pinball machine transport you right back to the '70s.
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It's One of Those May/September-70-Years-Later Romances

That's right, Mr. 80-Year-Old Man, you have every right to your 10-year-old bride, because you live in Saudi Arabia, and I guess octogenarians over there are hot for the ladies just out of the single digits in age.

I can't imagine what you'd have in common. After all, she's likely gotten her second set of teeth, while by now you've probably lost all of yours. She no longer needs an afternoon nap, whereas you probably need at least one or two during the day — plus you probably feel cold all the time.

The girl fled her geezer hubby and hid at the home of an aunt, probably the most sensible adult in her family, until the father of the "bride" sent her back. The father probably thinks it's no big deal, for his fifth wife is currently in its second trimester.

The article notes that the ancient husband "denies he is 80 despite family claims." There is no photo listed for this normal and well-adjusted elderly fellow, but how old does he claim to be? Seventy? Thirty-nine?

Sharia aside, I can't imagine how he thinks this situation would look good...unless he's Benjamin Button.

Also in the news...

• PRODUCT ALERT: Pregnant Barbie? Working Mother Barbie? Amy Winehouse Barbie? Dolls inspired by the buxom blond classic hit the shelves.


• Even better than Vicodin and zinfandel? Crying baby proves to be a "natural high" for some moms.


• Just don't become an editor: 7 out of 10 parents want their kids to become teachers.


• It's OK to beat your kids in Florida, just as long as you're not gay.


• Would anyone think it was OK to supply a bunch of teenage vandals with spray paint and a mural "supervisor" and tell them to go to town in a public park? Well, Calgary thought it would be a swell idea, and what happened is pretty much what you would expect.


• All in a day's work: Tow truck driver finds baby in illegally parked car.


• Forget about waterboarding: CIA incorporates threats against children in torture-technique arsenal.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Toddlers who text: The Times offers up a list of gadgets to keep the little ones away from your phone, MP3 player, and Blackberry.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Bringing helicopter parenting to a whole new level: GPS device keeps track of your kid.

The Sleep Problems Actually Begin Immediately and Continue for Years

Silly me. I didn't realize the headline for this article meant that the babies had sleeping problems.

The third sentence introduced me to a term I'd never heard before: prenatal drinking. Though I engaged in quite a lot of prenatal drinking myself, I didn't think it would affect my kids' sleeping habits. Yet the almost-3-year-old is still incapable of putting a blanket on herself when she wakes up in the middle of the night and why the 5-year-old kicks me out of my own bed before the sun rises each morning.

As a bit of as postscript, I noticed this ad next to the article:

Take a good look:

I don't really know what FRS is, nor do I think it will help me with the kind of daily fatigue a parent experiences, but I'd suggest to Lance Armstrong he'd probably be less tired if he stopped trying to sodomize a 45-pound barbell plate.
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There's More to Parenting than Parents, You Know

I already feel like a loser parent because I missed the boat on teaching my kids to read before they turn 6 months old, at least according to those effing commercials they run on Nickelodeon all the time.

You know, the ones where the smug happy mommy holds up an index card with a word like CAT or PIG or SUBJECTIVITY or HYPOGAMMAGLOBULINEMIA and the 36-week-old savant drools out the word.

Anyway, we already receive a number of parenting periodicals that I simply do not read, which isn't surprising because I finished reading What to Expect When You're Expecting just after Sasha's second birthday.

So I decided to catch up on my parenting learnin' by checking out the website of Parents. A glance at the homepage tells me the magazine should be called Parents With the Brains of Children, because they obviously write for an audience of morons. Behold this part of the homepage:

Clearly, none of this information is gonna help me get a step up on the other parents out there. In my house, the food pyramid is shaped like a vertical line: sometimes it's a pretzel stick, sometimes a Pop Ice, or a Gogurt or a fudge pop or a roll of Smarties or the middle finger that the kids metaphorically flip us every time we plop a dish of anything vaguely wholesome and unprocessed in front of their faces.

And none of those items are going to be listed on the helpful ingredients finder, unless a pretzel casserole is on the Parents menu.

We all know kids don't eat, but I have years to worry about their diets. I need info now — something that most other parents won't be reading.

So I checked out Pediatrics, which is apparently for pediatricians and what-not, so it's like getting inside information.

And look what I found:

Now that's what I'm talking about. Next time I have to endure a conversation with the other know-it-all daycare parents, I can just slip in, "Well, I'm not sure if you know this, but erythropoietin actually does improve neurologic outcomes in newborns with hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy. Yeah, it turns out that repeated, low-dose, recombinant human erythropoietin treatment reduced the risk of disability for infants with moderate HIE, without apparent side effects."

Thank you so much, Doctors Zhu, Kang, Xu, Cheng, Zhang, Jia, Ji, Guo, Xiong, Simbruner, Blomgren, and Wang, for keeping me one step ahead!
Read more...

Also in the news...

• VIRAL VIDEO: Read my lips: A toddler who does presidential impersonations.


• Oy, this garbage can is filthy! Oscar and the rest of the gang (including Ben Stiller, Cedric the Entertainer, and Christina Applegate) teach kids about Jewish culture with "Shalom Sesame."


• WTF, MOM AND DAD! Hey, do they know that dad from the strip club? SC couple goes nightclubbing, locks kids in trunk of car.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Silicone versus Similac: Kendra and Kourtney determined to breastfeed despite their mega-implants.


• What bothers us just as much as the message is the awkward grammatical phrasing: Girl sent home from school for wearing anti-Islam T-shirt.


• VIRAL VIDEO: Now we know for sure that kids don't think: Teen rescued after being buried up to head in sand.


• Whatever will LeVar Burton do now? Reading Rainbow going off the air.


• We've already discussed teens soaking tampons in booze to get high. But snorting vodka shots and rectal beer bongs? What happened to a good old-fashioned brewskie under the bleachers?


• If it feels good, do it: U.N. advocates teaching kids as young as 5 about masturbation, abortion, and aphrodisiacs.


• OK, maybe Huntington Hospital wasn't that bad after all: U.K. moms forced to give birth in bathrooms, hospital corridors due to bed shortage.


• BACK-TO-SCHOOL BONANZA: Talk about overcrowding: Nine kids from two families in one kindergarten class.


• BACK-TO-SCHOOL BONANZA: New Hampshire, what took you so long? Last state to mandate kindergarten finally succumbs.

Cue the Dueling of the Banjos

Alabama, you're not doing yourself any favors. I mean, if I asked anyone to play Match Game and Gene Rayburned, "A headline today says, Family feud turns into riot in small [blank] town," no one (except maybe Charles Nelson Reilly) is going to say "Rhode Island."

You know this little melee had to have occurred down South for three reasons.

1. It involved "up to 150 screaming people hurling tire irons and wielding baseball bats." Let me shamelessly admit that if I were ever in a scrum and require the employment of a tire iron as a cudgel, I would have quite a hard time even finding the damn thing. Does anyone north of the Mason-Dixon ever use a tire iron so often that it's the go-to weapon in a fight? The only notable offensive weapon in my car is the back support of Jackson's booster seat.

2. One cop was quoted as saying that the rioters were "throwing jack irons, throwing tire irons, anything they could get their hands on." What the hell is a "jack iron"? It sounds like a synonym for "tire iron" but based on his usage of both terms in the same sentence, it must be something else. Or maybe in that part of the country they have several ways to describe the "specialized metal tool used in working with tires that have inner tubes" (thank you, Wikipedia), like the way the Eskimos supposedly have 100 ways to say "snow."

3. "The town's police chief was hit in the head with a crowbar but was OK." Where else could a person (the friggin' chief of police!) get hit in the head with a crowbar and be "OK"?

Can't wait until when the families get together on Thanksgiving!
Read more...

The 383-Pound Gorilla in the Room

First of all, the death of any child, for any reason, is horrible. And by "horrible" you know (though I hope you'll never have to truly know) what I mean.

But the way the AP covered the death of a 383-pound 13-year-old from St. Louis raised my slightly bushy eyebrows.

The boy died during a conditioning lap as part of football practice, likely during a rather hot day. Get this:

An autopsy was performed but cause of death won't be available for several weeks pending tissue and toxicological test results, said Dr. Mary Case, St. Louis County medical examiner, adding that the boy's weight and heart are "certainly a consideration."

Certainly a consideration? The kid weighed 383 pounds! Granted, he was six-foot-two, but none of my tall adult friends are threatening the fifth-of-a-ton barrier.

It's suggested that the boy might have had the same heart defect as his father, who died at age 45 and whose "death certificate states what roughly translates to high blood pressure and clogged arteries." At issue is whether kids who want to play sports should get an EKG to locate these kinds of heart defects, versus the cost to test every athlete.

"But do you do an EKG on 5 million kids to find 15 cases?" asks Dr. Robert Eckel, past president of the American Heart Association and professor of medicine at University of Colorado Denver Medical School. "It's a matter of cost and benefit."

Yes, but focusing on the 15 kids who weigh almost 400 pounds would be a good start. And perhaps someone should have considered helping the boy back when he was, oh, 350 or 300 pounds. The article quotes one "Dr. Keith Mankowitz, a professor of medicine at Washington University who specializes in prevention of sudden death in athletes, said 13-year-old boys don't die of morbid obesity."

Maybe not, Professor Doctor, but can they die of what roughly translates to high blood pressure and clogged arteries"? Read more...

High-Altitude Erotica -- Astronauts Getting It On, Breeding Like Space Bunnies

The life of a space traveler is an exciting, mysterious one, filled with that sense of wonderment that accompanies exploring the cosmos, supernovas, black holes -- and each other's bodies.

I don't know if "3-2-1: blastoff!" is some kind of subconscious turn-on, but the latest news from the wires lends credence to our deepest suspicions: Astronauts sure are horny -- and that unrestrained horniness is now populating our planet.

First there was the Pierre Kohler book, which sensationally (and falsely) claimed that U.S. and Russian astronauts had been conducting research in space to confirm whether certain sexual positions were achievable in zero-gravity conditions (critical if humans were somehow forced to one day survive in orbit).

Next came Lisa Nowak, NASA's very own Fatal Attraction-esque femme fatale. That story had all the makings of a Lifetime movie (the kind they show after midnight): a love triangle, a nymphomaniac female astronaut, and diapers.

This year, ABC came out with Defying Gravity, a space drama starring Sex and The City's Ron Livingston (who, in my opinion, was nothing less than the epitome of sexy while smashing a pilfered printer in Office Space). I haven't actually seen the show, but the trailers make it pretty evident that much of the plot revolves around crew members whispering sweet lunar lingo into each other's helmet-ensconced ears and keeping their Million-Mile-High Club membership in good standing.

Now it's come to light that the seven current Discovery space-shuttle astronauts are all parents, with an impressive 20 children among them. 20 CHILDREN! I guess all that stomach-turning training in the gimbal rig doesn't do much to dampen the libido.

Read more...

Also in the news...

• RECESSION SPECIAL: "Queen of Coupons" feeds family of six for $10 a week. We're guessing she doesn't live on Long Island.


• The last thing I wanted to do when I was pregnant was call extra attention to my ginormous gut, but if you've been thinking of adding some body art to your own bump, here's some inspiration.


• WTF, DAD! Man leaves kids in car while he visits strip joint. At least he didn't leave them at home.


• Make sure Caligula doesn't mysteriously show up in your Netflix queue: Law loophole allows kids to buy porn.


• Now that's dedication to your craft: Binge-drinking teen in hospital for liver failure after downing 30 cans of lager escapes, heads straight to pub.


• Good news for knocked-up felons: New York considering law that bans shackling pregnant inmates.


• VIRAL VIDEO: A digital story created with LEGOs: What took 1,500 hours to build is brought to life through this stop-motion video.


• And the LEGO news keeps coming: Thieves make off with LEGO giraffe tail at Berlin tourist attraction.


• "My newborn is like a narcotic": NYU professor takes on feminists for pooh-poohing the hazy, zoned-out days of early infancy.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Salon's Amy Benfer really doesn't like seeing Suri Cruise, Kingston Rossdale, and their other celebrity-kid friends dressed to impress. She really doesn't.

It's Like That Time the Macy's Santa Had a Heart Attack

A Long Beach fishing trip for elementary school kids from LA turned into a foreseeable-future of bedtime hell for their parents when a deckhand on the boat died during the outing.

Death during a school trip is bad enough, but it's actually worse than that. Here's why.

1. The deckhand, Jeff Twaddle (yes, that is was his real name), died in front of the children.

2. He didn't have a stroke or cardiac arrest or even a slip-and-fall accident. He choked to death.

3. He choked to death because, to get some laughs out of the kids, he put a small bait fish into his mouth, presumably to joke that the fish was going to kill him. Which it did.

4. One presumes that the boat was already on the water, so the kids probably didn't have many places to go where they wouldn't see the already or soon-to-be dead guy.

I guess it could have been worse. A shark could have swooped over the ship and bit off a chunk down to the waist.

(Creepy heart-attack photo credit: Encyclopedia Dramatica.)
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It's Never Too Soon to Exercise, Fatso!

So get off your asses, you little couch potatoes!

My kids are currently lean and (particularly) mean, but one of my many fears is that they'll somehow turn into one of the fat kids in school, and I've watched enough reality television like More to Love and The Bigggest Loser to know that being morbidly obese can create some pretty bad memories — who knew?

So NPR ran a news story about how weightlifting, when done correctly and not as an attempt to break the under-7-year-old deadlift record, can be beneficial for young children.

What makes this story ironic is that very few NPR listeners have ever set foot in a gym.

iHate

No, I don't watch am not yet forced to watch iCarly, but if you watch enough SpongeBob SquarePants and other Nickelodeon-channel programming, you're bombarded with ads for this shrill show that takes place in some alternative universe where the only parental figure is her imbecile big brother.

iCarly, or Carly, or whatever she calls herself, runs some sort of live video podcast or something and gets involved in high jinks with her lame friends and screams a lot.

Nick's strategy in recent years is to take these shows, stretch them to double length, and call them "movies" or "specials," and the channel is very successful in this regard because they promote these things ad nauseum when they're not promoting Bendaroos or some other crappy craft that Jackson has to have.

And believe me, I was actually interested in watching her most recent special because it involves her fighting another 16-year-old in a steel cage and I know it's probably wrong to enjoy that idea as much as I'm admitting here.

But I digress.
Now they're running ads for some "iCruise with iCarly Week" where we see some of the cast on a cruise ship.

One problem that they haven't seemed to address: No iCarly. She's not going to be on the ship. Instead, you get her dumb blonde friend, some dude from the show, and the girl from True Jackson, VP, another show I don't watch but whose ads I have to endure every day, which also stars one of the less-funny guys from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

DAMN YOU NICK AND YOUR ADVERTISING THAT IS LIKELY FALSE
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Also in the news...

• If you loved Dungeons & the Department of Transportation, you'll love Supreme Court, the game.


• I knew if I lived long enough, this day would come: Kids who wear glasses are now seen as trendy.


• The Elmo brand may be getting diluted. First he's seen helping out with the recession. Then he's witnessed taking on Thomas Jacob Ford in a dance-off. Now the ubiquitous Muppet is running around Times Square being rude to tourists.


• Domo arigato, Santa Claus: 10 strangest Japanese toys.


• Design firm offers teen-proof room that resists stains. Which stains? Don't ask.


• Did the Lego police show up? Toy helicopter crash prompts 911 call.


• Arnold would be ashamed: Fat-kids-stuck-in-mailboxes epidemic in Austria.


• No, it wasn't painted with the world's biggest finger: The biggest finger-painting ever.


• VIRAL VIDEO: That kid who could catch fish with her bare hands is nothin': Tot reels in rare fish.


• We hope the baby wearing the diaper didn't get "meth ass": Meth hidden in baby diaper.

I Guess They Really Don't Know

How many times have your kids done something stupidly inexplicable, like shoving a rock up a nostril or peeing on the carpet on purpose, and you ask them why the hell they did that and they give you not the answer that could unlock the mystery of their misbehavior but this wonderful gem:

"I don't know."

You stew in your own juices of confusion and anger, and you ask yourself as you self-marinate, What the hell were they thinking?

Turns out, they weren't. Weren't thinking, that is.

According to some guy quoted in the Washington Times, "Our brains are designed for the avoidance of thought — because thinking is effortful and unreliable."

You can say that again. After all, we somehow chose to have that second kid.
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Four, Five, Sex -- Mwah, Ha, Ha, Ha!

This "censored" video of our favorite numbers-obsessed Transylvanian is so wrong -- yet somehow so right on a Monday morning.

You're welcome.

Also in the news...

• Sonogram cakes are so first-quarter 2009: British soccer star hosts ultrasound party.


• Next time your teen complains about their know-nothing boss and shitty hours at Applebee's, show them this article.


• New Zealanders want to give their kids a good whack, but The Man is keepin' them down: Government won't budge on anti-smacking law, despite 87 percent of the country that's in a pro-smack state of mind.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Heidi Klum won't be procreating with Seal anymore -- and she means it this time.


• Adding even more ammunition to those Chinese-kids-sure-are-smart stereotypes: C-sections increasingly requested in China to ensure kids enter school before cutoff dates.


• Excuse me, miss, is that a boosted V-neck in your Peg Perego? Moms use kids as human shields to lift clothes from The Gap, Children's Place.


• Waco wacko: Woman accused of slugging boy in wheelchair over soccer ball.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Stars who have had kids out of wedlock. (Subtitle: Is this even a story?)


• The first cut is the deepest: Hard-core push for circumcisions to become routine practice in U.S.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Famous kids serve as models for moms' clothing lines.

I'll Have a Scotch, and Make Junior's a Double -- He's Got a Social Studies Test Tomorrow

In Wisconsin, there is actually a state law that allows minors to drink in a bar as long as they're accompanied by a parent. This law, which I'll call the Wish I Lived In Wisconsin Law, is under attack by a bill supported by, well, nearly everyone in Wisconsin.

The Wisconsin Tavern League, which likely sports a rowdy division of softball teams, is in favor of this bill. Even the brother of the late Chris Farley, known to put nearly anything into his fat pie hole that he could get his mitts on, is in favor of appeal.

Only one person, a winery owner who says that parents like to let their kids sip her wares, is marginally against it. She is, of course, now as unpopular as the person who shows up at MADD meetings as the pro-DWI devil's advocate.

The real question is, even though this law does not exist in New York State, will I be able to have Jackson accompany me to the strip club when it's time to tell him about the birds and the bees?

Read more...

NameVoyager Analysis: Anthony and (Eccch) Tony

I was surprised to learn that my name is more popular (in rank) than when I was born. When I was in school, I knew of just one other Anthony, though every class had at least two Michaels.

A sharp rate increase from the 1950s into the following two decades brought Anthony into the low 20s, its rate peaking in the 1980s at around 5,500 Anthonys per million births.

The rate started to decline (more names were being used overall, so you'll see the rates for almost all major names declining), but the rank continued to climb, in the ensuing years.

In the 1990s, Anthony ranked 19, and from 2003 on, the rank dipped a bit up a down but continued to rise, with an all-time best rank of 7 in 2007 and 2008.

Anthony is a classic name. It could still be considered "ethnic" because of its popularity for people who wish to name their kids after saints, though it's a lot more mainstream. And, hell, I like it.

Like our friend Paul, there was a brief period when people were naming their little girls Anthony, peaking at a rank of 853 in the 1970s. I didn't know any of them.

I never liked the nickname Tony, which makes me think of a guy wearing a wife-beater, who might actually BE a wife-beater, sitting on the hood of his IROC. But, especially in the 1960s, when it peaked at a rank of 51(!), parents skipped formality and actually named their kids Tony.

...which must have been annoying:

"My name is Tony."

"Is that short for 'Anthony'?"

"No...it's short for...Tony."


Read more...

Does Bad Boss = Even Worse Mom?

The Institute for Social Research, which I'm assuming is not a made-up organization, fired off a press release announcing, in short, that bad jobs make bad moms.

That must mean I am the worst mother in the world! you chortle to yourself. Then you wonder, after the internal chortling dissipates, what qualifies as a bad job? Surely this study is referring to salt-mine workers or sweatshop seamstresses or prostitutes for the morbidly obese IBS sufferers who are addicted to Ernest movies.

But no. You know which people have the "bad" jobs? Nurses. Therapists. Elementary school teachers.

That's if you have a college degree. For the less educated, it's "assemblers" (assemblers of what? Vibrators?), "cleaners" (carpet cleaners? Dry cleaners? Murder-scene cleaners?), foremen, and nurse's aides. (What the deal with nursing? Isn't that supposed to be a fulfilling profession?)

The study determined the badness of a job based on pay, hours, and stress. I went to a therapist once, and she didn't seem too stressed when she collected my 160 bucks in cash for an hour's work that in Therapist World is only 50 minutes long.

I think using the pay/hours/stress formula, the baddest job in the world is...actually being a mom. You go, badass moms!
Read more...

Also in the news...

• Iconic department store ventures into cannibalism: Sears advertises BBQ grill that cooks babies.


• VIRAL VIDEO: So you think you can dance? Toddler squares off against Elmo.


• RECESSION SPECIAL: Woot, there it is: Popular discount site now offers kiddie version.


• "CELEBRITY" ALERT: Honey, no one wants your freakin' sperm-bank brood: Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. OctoMom) "lives in fear" of kids being snatched. Oh, and her 2-year-old calls her a bitch.


• Moms vs. Mr. Softee: Parents against ice-cream-vendor indoctrination.


• If only they could turn the L.I.E. into the Game of L.I.F.E. (it only needs that extra "F"): San Fran's Lombard Street transformed into giant Candy Land replica.


• Because we all let our kids stay up late on Sunday nights to watch a cable TV series about 1960s advertising where the main characters routinely drink, smoke, and screw: Parenting group blasts Mad Men episode for gay makeout scene.


• Now how am I supposed to tell my kids not to jump on the couch after this story? 8-year-old breaks wing-walking record.


• And my son just got a few SpongeBob figurines amateurishly nestled in the cookie crunch topping: A compilation of bizarre birthday cakes.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Whatever you gotta do to fend off that prickly heat: Baby-bottom fan dries tushies, dispenses fragrance.


• We make 'em tough here in New York: Girl named Destiny survives fall from seventh-story window.

Headline Should Read: "Dad Charged With Making Son Most Popular Kid in School"

This article is from our hometown "paper" Newsday, the site that's designed like a photo negative.

Yet Somewhere, Kate Gosselin Might Be Jealous

A brief digression before I dissect the matter at hand.

I have no problem with the British using words like "lift" to mean "elevator" and "lorry" to mean "truck," but I just can't stomach the way they say "mum" instead of "mom." There's a line in the classic Pat the Bunny where you're asked to put your finger through "Mummy's" ring, and I never say "Mummy," unless I want to turn the tale into a story featuring Brendan Fraser. I always say "Mommy." (Also, when a book says "hurrah" I read "hurray.")

And as bad as "mum" is, "Octomum" is eight times worse.

But I digress.

So Nadya Suleman, whose last name reminds me of the Sultan who sported a hat large enough to carry eight babies to term, finally took a moment to wonder, as any normal single mother of 14 who was a single mother of only six less than a year ago...

"What was I thinking?"

What was I thinking? is a question I ask myself several times a day, but usually it's after something like taking Sasha at her word when she claimed not to have crapped her diaper and finding evidence to the contrary all over the house.

Lady, you already had six kids, and they arrived at six different times. I was asking myself What was I thinking? during that endless first night we brought our first child home, again after we brought our second one home, and many times between those events and certainly ever since. Did you think increasing your brood by 133% in one shot was going to make things better?
Read more...

It Could Also Stand for "I Hate Other People"

There are times when it pays to have kids, and not just so you can claim they're sick so you can skip work.

This is one of those times.

Through September 13, the kids eat free at friggin' IHOP.

Now, you might be saying, "What's the big deal? When you didn't have kids, you could eat at IHOP, and it's like the same thing."

But it's not the same thing.

We barely go out to eat anymore, thanks to the economy and the fact that my kids at an eating establishment always makes me think of the prison-movie scenes in the cafeteria, right before the riot erupts.

NOW, I can suggest IHOP, because (a) They don't care if your kids climb the walls; and (b) I can eat (and, some days, have eaten) pancakes for any and every meal.
Read more...

Also in the news...

• RECESSION SPECIAL: Muppet in red to help families in red: Elmo lends a furry hand to those hit by tough times.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Don't want to give up cloth diapers but hate cleaning up shit? Have we got a product for you....


• Move over, Fetus Doll and Sonogram Cake: Welcome, Plaster-Cast Pregnant Torso.


• A primer to gastroenteritis: Everything your kid needs to know about diarrhea, courtesy of The Moose With Loose Poops.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Jackass breeds new colt: Johnny Knoxville expecting second child.
  
  
• VIRAL VIDEO: Tots behind the wheel: Preschooler nails parallel parking.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Proof that even famous parents need naps: Quentin Tarantino lifts no-sleep ban on movie set to accommodate frazzled dad Brad Pitt.


• Boy kicked off football team for being too good.


• Hey, shorty, it's your birthday: Vertically challenged kids no worse off than their taller peers.


• Update: Tunisian officials doubt woman is carrying 12 fetuses.


• Boy escapes carjacking.

Chuck Norris Has Something to Say

Chuck Norris does not like Obamacare.

Chuck Norris can breast-feed a baby with his fist. When Chuck Norris was born, he slapped the doctor. When Chuck Norris sings "Old MacDonald," all the animals sound like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris IS the farmer in the dell. A Happy Meal is a Happy Meal only because Chuck Norris says so. Chuck Norris can toilet-train a toddler in three minutes using only his left eyebrow. Chuck Norris baby-sits rabid bobcats.

Chuck Norris knows what to expect when he's expecting. And when you're with Chuck Norris, you'd better expect a beatdown.

Celebrity Alert: Celine Dion Preggers

Her heart (and uterus) will go on: Celine Dion and her silver-fox husband, the 67-year-young Rene Angelil, are expecting their second child.

The newest member of the chanteuse's clan will join big brother Rene-Charles, who was also conceived using fertility treatments. What this means for Celine's Vegas act is anyone's guess.

Also in the news...

• "We see dead people": Psychic kids
• Designer combats sexy children's clothing...by creating T-shirt for tots with nipple tassels.
• Something straight out of The A-Team: Girl jumps out of car right before it plummets off cliff.
• Wet-nurse revival: Would you breastfeed another mom's child?
• WTF, MOM! Those enterprising Ruskies: Moms try to sell daughters' virginity online.
• Tutors, homework, and school pressures -- in kindergarten!
• RECESSION SPECIAL: Sitter swap: Families join babysitter co-ops to save money.
• I hereby christen thee "Archibald": Mom tries, fails to sell baby's naming rights on eBay.
• Being Jon Benet Jr. isn't all it's cracked up to: The misery of childhood pageantry.
• CELEBRITY ALERT: The Office's Amy Ryan (a.k.a. Holly) preggers.
• Kids today don't have to fix furnaces, get more say in family decisions: How parenting has stayed the same, how it's different.

In Other Breaking News, Kids Shit Like Dogs, Too

Thank you, British researchers, for telling us what is already known by every parent, baby sitter, or person unlucky enough to have a handshake misinterpreted by an aggressively hungry toddler.

The only thing worth studying regarding biting is how much worse the bites of British toddlers look on one's skin than bites from Americans.

Because the Brits have crappy teeth! Get it? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Also in the news...

• Going postal: Kid tries to mail himself, gets stuck in mailbox.


• Makes Gosselin and Suleman look like amateurs: Tunisian woman to give birth to 12 babies.


• The Fifth Circle of Hell: Mommy and Me classes.


• Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see? I see the chief of staff looking at me. Rahm leads storytime for DC kids.


• New reason not to fight in front of the kids: Family quarrels, lack of free time cause headaches in children.


• Free Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruitys? We're so there.


• For those who somehow still have money to burn in this economy: Pottery Barn Kids expands Barbie collection for doll's 50th anniversary.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Michael and Dina Lohan get along at public gathering for sake of kids.


• Looks like teh Internets is not such a haven for pervs after all: Sexual predators not a real threat on social networking sites.


• Breast, in this case, was not best: Mother laces milk from her teat with morphine.


• Let's talk about our feelings, son -- NOT! Too much emotional analysis not a good thing.

OMG THERE IS TOO MUCH CONFLICTING BREAST-FEEDING INFO OUT THERE!

MSNBC, July 31:



MSNBC, August 7:

Also in the news...

• WTF, MOM AND DAD! And you thought Michael Vick was bad: Parents force kids to fist-fight as part of "training" regimen.


• We used to just try to get to second base in the Commack sump: Kids learning about sex from YouTube. Plus: Go here for a list of kids' top 100 Web search terms.


• RECESSION SPECIAL: Yet another "let's feel sorry for the rich folks who have been hit hard by this recession thing and have to still manage to raise their kids" article. Boo-hoo.


• Because we all want to raise a flock of Jon Benets and become obnoxious stage moms: Why Toddlers and Tiaras is simply one of the greatest guilty pleasures of all time.


• PETA (bad) rap: "Unhappy Meals" causing a ruckus.


• Meet Daddy's lil' bastard. Introducing your legitimate kids to the illegitimate ones.


• Jean pool: National Geographic Kids collects world-record number of denim pants.


• From Mr. Potato Head to Lite-Brite: Toys that stand the test of time.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Would you let Donna Martin dress your kids? Disowned Tori Spelling launches children's clothing line.


• Mellow yellow: Parents and kids in harmony more than any other generation.


• Another branding coup for Nickelodeon: Dell unveils laptop geared toward SpongeBob- and iCarly-crazed kids....


• ...Buuuut then they negate said branding coup by airing this totally inappropriate show on Nick at Nite.

NameVoyager Analysis: Paul and Paula

While researching last week's NameVoyager analysis, I found the above name chart hiding behind the one for Paul.

It's...Paul!

Apparently, Paul was at one time a girl's name, but not for that many girls even at the height of its popularity. It first landed in the top 1000 during the 1910s (rank 927), peaked in the 1920s (782), declined again in the 1930s (907), then disappeared forever.

Perhaps people were riding high in the stock market and felt financially secure enough to name their daughters Paul, before the crash and Depression brought new parents back to reality. Even at its high, a mere 33 baby girls per million (.0033 percent) were saddled with this arguably masculine name. Did these girls call themselves Paul, or did they go by a nickname instead.

It's very odd, especially when there's a simple female version of Paul called Paula.
Paula wasn't yet as popular a name as it would be in the 1950s, when it enjoyed highs of 2,200 per million and a rank of 46, but in the 1920s it still had a rank of 313, and a rate of 200 per million.

As for the fortunes of Paula, its popularity plunged after the 1970s and has flattened out in the low 600s.

Read more...

Celebrity Alert: John Edwards Is Indeed Rielle Hunter's Baby's Papa

John Edwards is in deep doo-doo -- again. We're not talking about the Long Island psychic (that's John Edward with a "d," as in "I talk to dead people"). No, we mean one Southern hair-bangin', cancer-wife-cheatin', disgraced former presidential candidate, who adamantly denied (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION EVEN!!) being the father of his former videographer's daughter.

The DNA don't lie, Johnny Pants.

If only John had spent as much time doting on his long-suffering wife as he did visiting his not-daughter in seedy hotel rooms, perhaps even Elizabeth would have stood by his paternity pshawing. However, once even Mrs. E. threw him under the baby bus on Oprah, even his most ardent supporters (were there any left?) had to have seen the writing on the maternity-ward wall.

Who woulda thunk that one day we'd be bowing down before The National Enquirer as the disseminator of breaking, authentic, not-made-up news?

Oh -- and the baby's name is Frances.
Read more...

Also in the news...

CELEBRITY ALERT: Another Kardashian ass has been tapped -- Kourtney announces pregnancy.

Muppets take the United Nations. Sesame Street for world diplomacy?

"Pop, have you ever done drugs?" and other future conversations dads dread.

"OMG, where's my f&^*ing epidural?!" Did you tweet or Facebook while in labor?

They do the crime, you pony up the fine. Detroit parents pay for kids' transgressions.

WTF, MOM! How could Diane Schuler? An alcoholic's perspective. Plus another one's.

Looks like the Breast Pump Dads were onto something: Fathers who breastfeed.

VIRAL VIDEO: If you teach them to fish -- Little girl nabs one with bare hands.

Bully for Stopping Bullies

Another good parenting article co-authored by Alan E. Kazin in Slate, this time regarding what to do when your kid is being bullied. Like most modern parenting advice, his suggestions go against traditional thinking. In other words, the options that you would most likely try — "telling your child to stand up to the bully, telling your child to try to ignore and avoid the bully, taking matters into your own hands by calling the bully's parents or confronting the bully yourself, or asking your child's teacher to put a stop to it" &mdash won't work.

No mention of the effectiveness of one additional option: beating up the bully's parents.

I Would Leave These Out in the Sun

And now Mattel, exporters of self-esteem for young girls everywhere, has launched a line of dolls based on characters from that faggy Twilight movie. Though I have no interest in either Barbie dolls or these sappy vampire romances, I do have one observation.


This might be the first time that the dolls actually look more human than the humans.
Read more...

Also in the news...

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Vertical s-Miley: Cyrus works stripper pole for Teen Choice Awards.


• Just don't buy them any peanuts or Cracker Jacks during the seventh-inning stretch. Kids enjoy first allergen-free baseball game.


• Should kids on planes be sedated? Hells, yeah!


• Barack O'Mama: Forget about ass-kissing. The prez is back to kissin' babies!


• Better than booze, weed, or Oxycontin: "Bumpaholics" who love the high of repeat pregnancies.


• DUI moms who are buzzkills for the rest of us: Why the Taconic tragedy has made parental inebriation uncool.


• In the opening credits of The Simpsons, Bart is forced to write a message (different for every episode) on the classroom blackboard a hundred times as punishment for some unseen transgression. This is like the nicotine-fueled Malaysian version of that montage -- sort of.


• Screw you, Earth: One mom who's just sick of recycling.

OMG UR WATR BRKE!

So, the wife of the Twitter founder is tweeting her labor. (Or something like that, since I saw a link on Gawker but didn't read the full story.) If Twitter existed back when Jackson was born, my tweets would look like this:

5:40 am: Woke up. Where's Jenn?

5:42 am: OH SHIT WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL

5:48 am: Which hospital is it again?

9:45 am: In the room...push already!

12:30 pm: Wow this cafeteria food is good.

1:15 pm: I hope she doesn't have kid while I take a dump

1:21 pm: Note to self, no more hospital food.

1:32 pm: Sorry Jenn, I still need the toilet.

1:50 pm: I think *I* just gave birth.

2:47 pm: On TV, this never takes that long.

6:20 pm: OH SHIT I'M A DAD. WOW WOW WOW

6:40 pm: what do I do now?
Read more...

"It Sells Very Well, as a Matter of Fact, You Know? It's Just Broken Glass, You Know?"

The Daily News lists the top 10 dangerous toys, a collection that brings to mind the old Saturday Night Live sketches featuring Dan Aykroyd as slimy toy salesman Irwin Mainway, who went on talk shows to promote such wonderful toys as Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk and Bag O' Glass.

My brother and I were too young for lawn darts and too old for that Chucky-like Cabbage Patch doll on the list, but we had some toys that by today's standards would be considered questionable.

Man, I loved Micronauts. These dolls action figures had a crazy ancient Egypt theme, and those little white hands, reminiscent of the white gloves worn by Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse, were easy to remove and not too difficult to choke on.

Plus, looking back, I think they were responsible for my wanting to be buried in a pyramid.

I never owned a Riviton, but my cousin-with-all-the-cool-toys did. This primitive thing allowed you to fuse pieces of plastic together using smelly plastic rivets (those little rabbit-poo-looking things in the lower right of the photo).

Apparently there was a recall due to the very obvious choking hazard (and I know that when I played with this toy it was much later than 1978), but I had a different, potentially dangerous interaction with them. While everyone else was downstairs, I was in my cousin's room and noticed that if you squeezed the rivet, which was like a hollowed-out bullet, you could stick it to your skin via the wonders of suction. Multiply that by about 50 times, and I was starting to look like Darth Maul. When I removed them about 20 minutes later, red blistery dots remained on my face, much to my parents' horror. Fortunately, they faded after about an hour.



Read more...

Also in the news...

• Homer, Peter, Al, we salute you: A tribute to sitcom loser dads.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Jennifer Hudson gives birth to baby Idol boy.


• VIRAL VIDEO: First, time-lapsed rotting vegetables, followed shortly thereafter by the guy with the 155 T-shirts. Now, a baby's first year in two minutes. Any way we can put this baby in 155 onesies and place him (gently, ever so gently) inside a rotting pumpkin?


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Double your pleasure -- stars and their lookalike children.


• Staggering stats: 1 percent of U.S. kids are on autism spectrum.


• At least kids might start hiking their pants up so their bloomers don't show. Back-to-school fashion heads back to the '60s.


• Recreational diversions on the big screen? Toys that should be made into movies.


• Dads, you're off the hook again: Women mimic their mothers' parenting practices.


• Teen who looks like a tot: A clue to the fountain of youth?


• Did your brother get to stay up later because he was the oldest, or were you just a shitty, annoying kid? The self-fulfilling prophecy (?) of birth order.