Friday, July 31, 2009

A BlackBerry-and-Blue Eye for a Mom

I never owned a BlackBerry. I never had a job that was so vital to an organization that I needed to be on call night and day. So the issue of answering the call of my PDA over the needs of my children has never been a problem for me.

However...there are a number of things I have tried to cram in while watching the kids, because one cannot expect to give them one's full attention at all times. Some of these things include:


  1. Checking e-mail

  2. Surfing the Internet

  3. Napping

  4. Applying to jobs

  5. Playing Pokémon Diamond on my Nintendo DS

  6. Taking a dump while bottle-feeding Jackson, during which he was likely taking a dump

  7. Updating this damn blog

  8. Reading the Newsday sports section

  9. Fantasizing about someone else watching the kids for the next 36 hours to 10 years



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Thursday, July 30, 2009

In Case the Bakery Is All Out of "Placenta Pie"


First, there was Fetus Doll. Now, a confection that's sure to be a conversation-starter at baby showers worldwide: the Sonogram Cake.

Here's hoping the guests don't bite into your bambino's package.
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Popo-Wow: Corn-Fed K-Fed Morphs Into K-Fat


Every man knows his life will change once kids come along. Your sex life will be annihilated, you won't sleep for more than 5 hours at a stretch, and you'll have to stop bookmarking your favorite Internet porn sites lest your postpartum-hormone-engorged wife stumbles upon them during a late-night feeding. But most guys probably don't anticipate the sympathy poundage that rivals their baby's mama's weight gain.

We bet K-Fed just didn't see this coming when he was bangin' Britney.

One plausible possibility is that he and Britney wanted another kid, Britney's womb has said enough, and Kev is carrying the child instead!

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

That's Not What "Take Your Kid to Work Day" Is About

So, I work as an editor. I'd consider bringing my son to work, if necessary, but I'd make sure he brought his Leapster or a coloring book. One thing I wouldn't do is give him a stack of documents and say, "All right, kid, edit this stuff."

Of course, Jackson wouldn't find my work very interesting. I'm not, say, a fireman. Or, I don't know, a subway conductor.

Which is why the story of a kid driving her mom's subway car, despite the irresponsibility of the mother and danger to her passengers, not to mention the recklessness that will possibly cost the woman her job, I have to be a little jealous...that kid is likely thinking, "I've got the coolest mom in the world."
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Monday, July 27, 2009

Don't You Have a Doughnut Shop or Something to Frequent?

Ah, summer—a time for lazy, hazy recreation, day trips to the shore, maybe even a lemonade stand or two. Unless you live in Haverford, PA, where local cops shut that shit down like a crackhouse in Compton.

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Daddy's Got a Brand New Gut

We understand wanting to relate to your pregnant wife. Making Taco Bell runs at 2 a.m., getting up to pee a million times a night, even oohing and aahing over Peg Perego strollers—all are natural, socially appropriate paternal responses. Wearing manmade appendages so that you, too, are unable to zip your pants, BY CHOICE—not so much.

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Barracudas Tweet About Their Young

Someone let Sarah Palin into Twitter, and now that she's no longer governor, she's going to be tweeting about her kids, Alaska, and God knows what else on her own personal account. Could this be the end of the Internets as we know it?

There's no doubt that our girl was able to mesmerize the masses at the Republican National Convention. But can these communication skills parlay onto the Interwebs and keep her momentum going for whatever political scheme she may or may not have rumblin' around that renegade brain of hers?

If you get bored of the ex-guv's 140-character missives, you can always check out this Sarah Palin's Twitter account. No relation.



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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Because Sonograms Are for Pussies

Hey, moms-to-be: Ever had the urge to palm your unborn fetus? Oh, you have?! Great! Because now you can, sort of, thanks to a true-to-life model created by Brazilian designer Jorge Lopes.

Using 3D technology, Lopes has brought "ultrasounds to the next level." He says that mothers who have had the chance to handle his dolls have been "flabbergasted," finally truly able to understand the scope and size of their babies through his invention. Though we're pretty sure that any pregnant woman (and we respectfully include that dude who had two kids in the "pregnant woman" category) who's experienced the throes of late-term gestation totally understands the scope and size of her fetus without having a creepy plastic facsimile to punt around.
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How Much for a Bong Pop?

An ice cream man in Kansas City was busted for selling drugs out of his truck. He's probably not the kind of guy you'd want to ask, "What can I get for 50 cents?"

That he was playing Dr. Dre's The Chronic as his theme song (no, not really) should have tipped people off.
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Which Means That Dahmer Jones Probably Won't Do Well in School

So it does matter what you name your kid. A study claims that tagging your boy with a name like (from left) Ivan, Kareem, or Alec "may just help land them in jail." (To be fair, Kareem was actually born Lew Alcindor.)

The full list of what the report calls "bad-boy" names: Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter.

Because we all know a bad boy named Ernest.
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