A BlackBerry-and-Blue Eye for a Mom

I never owned a BlackBerry. I never had a job that was so vital to an organization that I needed to be on call night and day. So the issue of answering the call of my PDA over the needs of my children has never been a problem for me.

However...there are a number of things I have tried to cram in while watching the kids, because one cannot expect to give them one's full attention at all times. Some of these things include:

1. Checking e-mail


2. Surfing the Internet


3. Napping


4. Applying to jobs


5. Playing Pokémon Diamond on my Nintendo DS
   


6. Taking a dump while bottle-feeding Jackson, during which he was likely taking a dump


7. Updating this damn blog


8. Reading the Newsday sports section


9. Fantasizing about someone else watching the kids for the next 36 hours to 10 years

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Also in the news...

• Chicken cordon ewwww. So they won't eat what you eat? If you can't beat 'em....


• Kim Jong-il, go to your room! Hillary compares North Korea to unruly teens and toddlers (a.k.a. juvenile attention whores).


• CELEBRITY ALERT: I'm married to Peter Saaaaarsgaaard, bitch! Maggie Gyllenhaal don't need no stinkin' parenting advice.


• Git yer breastmilk smoothie here! YouTube shows you the recipe.


• But that Jafar doll looked so threatening -- and Middle Eastern! TSA confiscates boy's Disney toys before plane ride.
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• VIRAL VIDEO: News update: Video shows 7-year-old in police chase to avoid church.

In Case the Bakery Is All Out of "Placenta Pie"

First, there was Fetus Doll. Now, a confection that's sure to be a conversation-starter at baby showers worldwide: the Sonogram Cake.

Here's hoping the guests don't bite into your bambino's package.
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Popo-Wow: Corn-Fed K-Fed Morphs Into K-Fat

Every man knows his life will change once kids come along. Your sex life will be annihilated, you won't sleep for more than 5 hours at a stretch, and you'll have to stop bookmarking your favorite Internet porn sites lest your postpartum-hormone-engorged wife stumbles upon them during a late-night feeding. But most guys probably don't anticipate the sympathy poundage that rivals their baby's mama's weight gain.

We bet K-Fed just didn't see this coming when he was bangin' Britney.

One plausible possibility is that he and Britney wanted another kid, Britney's womb has said enough, and Kev is carrying the child instead!

Read more...

Also in the news...

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Jude Law's sperm on the loose again—fathers fourth child.


• Hospital diss Part II: Mom gives birth in toilet.


• Let them eat their damn Gogurts—dairy extends kids' lives.


• Want to date another mommy? Guide for the bi-curious.


• You can't please everyone. Guinea-pig rescue groups protest G-Force movie.


• Maybe they think it's best for the child. Or maybe they just want to follow the Dave Matthews Band around, sleep till noon, and play Mafia Wars all day. Moms who willingly relinquish custody.


• So you're raising a godless heathen? That's OK—there's a summer camp for them, too.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Transform your child into a super-wealthy supermodel who can conjure up a sublime seasonal soup out of chicken nuggets and Gatorade. Warren Buffett, Martha Stewart, and Gisele Bunchen to create kid-branded entertainment for AOL.


• Let 'em crap in the yard. Training pants sales down due to recession.


• Stop bitching at your husband, start helping your old lady with the laundry, and make sure you do the nasty a few times a week: Save your marriage from your kids.


• Something stinks in Georgia other than the paper mills: State falls to 42nd in child ranking study.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Revolutionary T-shirts for the younger set.

That's Not What "Take Your Kid to Work Day" Is About

So, I work as an editor. I'd consider bringing my son to work, if necessary, but I'd make sure he brought his Leapster or a coloring book. One thing I wouldn't do is give him a stack of documents and say, "All right, kid, edit this stuff."

Of course, Jackson wouldn't find my work very interesting. I'm not, say, a fireman. Or, I don't know, a subway conductor.

Which is why the story of a kid driving her mom's subway car, despite the irresponsibility of the mother and danger to her passengers, not to mention the recklessness that will possibly cost the woman her job, I have to be a little jealous...that kid is likely thinking, "I've got the coolest mom in the world." Read more...

Also in the news...

• CELEBRITY ALERT: Comedic crudités: Baby bites Al Franken.


• You gotta fight, for your right....Penn State rated top party school.


• Someone doesn't like being an altar boy: Utah tyke goes on joyride to get out of going to church.


• Don't let your kids watch Survivor, or they will turn into awful, terrible, miserable excuses for human beings.

Don't You Have a Doughnut Shop or Something to Frequent?

Ah, summer—a time for lazy, hazy recreation, day trips to the shore, maybe even a lemonade stand or two. Unless you live in Haverford, PA, where local cops shut that shit down like a crackhouse in Compton.

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Daddy's Got a Brand New Gut

We understand wanting to relate to your pregnant wife. Making Taco Bell runs at 2 a.m., getting up to pee a million times a night, even oohing and aahing over Peg Perego strollers—all are natural, socially appropriate paternal responses. Wearing manmade appendages so that you, too, are unable to zip your pants, BY CHOICE—not so much.

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Barracudas Tweet About Their Young

Someone let Sarah Palin into Twitter, and now that she's no longer governor, she's going to be tweeting about her kids, Alaska, and God knows what else on her own personal account. Could this be the end of the Internets as we know it?

There's no doubt that our girl was able to mesmerize the masses at the Republican National Convention. But can these communication skills parlay onto the Interwebs and keep her momentum going for whatever political scheme she may or may not have rumblin' around that renegade brain of hers?

If you get bored of the ex-guv's 140-character missives, you can always check out this Sarah Palin's Twitter account. No relation.



Read more...

Also in the news...

• Slip of the va-jay-jay: Mom gives birth on bedroom floor after being dissed by bed-deficient hospital.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Even Maddox knows who Grimace is. Brangelina heads to Mickey D's.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: Kim Kardashian wants to breed! Not now! Who knows when! But sometime!


• Something that won't surprise anyone with a feral animal toddler in their charge: Toddlers on same level as dogs.


• Strange but true: Woman with two wombs gives birth to miracle baby.


• Extreme makeover: toddler edition.


• PRODUCT ALERT: Kids' lamps that outshine all the others.

Because Sonograms Are for Pussies

Hey, moms-to-be: Ever had the urge to palm your unborn fetus? Oh, you have?! Great! Because now you can, sort of, thanks to a true-to-life model created by Brazilian designer Jorge Lopes.

Using 3D technology, Lopes has brought "ultrasounds to the next level." He says that mothers who have had the chance to handle his dolls have been "flabbergasted," finally truly able to understand the scope and size of their babies through his invention. Though we're pretty sure that any pregnant woman (and we respectfully include that dude who had two kids in the "pregnant woman" category) who's experienced the throes of late-term gestation totally understands the scope and size of her fetus without having a creepy plastic facsimile to punt around.
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How Much for a Bong Pop?

An ice cream man in Kansas City was busted for selling drugs out of his truck. He's probably not the kind of guy you'd want to ask, "What can I get for 50 cents?"

That he was playing Dr. Dre's The Chronic as his theme song (no, not really) should have tipped people off.
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Which Means That Dahmer Jones Probably Won't Do Well in School

So it does matter what you name your kid. A study claims that tagging your boy with a name like (from left) Ivan, Kareem, or Alec "may just help land them in jail." (To be fair, Kareem was actually born Lew Alcindor.)

The full list of what the report calls "bad-boy" names: Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter.

Because we all know a bad boy named Ernest.
Read more...

Also in the news...

• CELEBRITY ALERT: OctoMom's kids to appear in a reality show. Is Eight Is Too Much available?


• MTV celebrates creepiest kids. And we're not talking about the Duggars.


• Think your kid has the makings of a professional pole dancer? Move to Rhode Island!


• Scabies! Pinworms! Lice! CNN rates the grossest kids' health issues.


• Do-over! China encourages families to break one-child ban, go for two.


• RECESSION SPECIAL: Speaking of 2-fers: Combine wedding and kids' baptism in one easy ceremony.


• Mom refuses C-section, baby taken away. Apparently she never witnessed the relative ease of such a procedure on TLC's "A Baby Story."


• The Happy Meal celebrates its 30th anniversary. Three decades of high-sodium, sugar-laden goodness.


• The New York Times doesn't have a problem if your kids run around buck-naked. Really it doesn't.


• CELEBRITY ALERT: The Candy Spelling/Tori Spelling catfight continues. Can't surgically enhanced Hollywood mothers and daughters just get along?


• PRODUCT ALERT: Heavy metal for the grade-school set: stainless-steel lunch containers.