You Are (Thus Far) NOT the Father!

Congratulations to my fourth-favorite Point Break cast member! Keanu Reeves took a DNA test, and unlike Jude Law, he passed!

The news that Bill/Neo didn't father some lady's kid is surprising on two counts. First, I (and 361,000 Google results) had always wondered whether he was actually gay. And second, the child in question was born not in 2008, not 1998, but 1988.

The mother, Karen Sala, who is nothing if not tenacious, is looking for retroactive child support of $150,000 a month which, even if Keanu really was the dad, sounds a bit excessive, unless you were swaddling the baby in 500-thread-count disposable diapers and ate strained peas prepared cribside by Jamie Oliver.

Sala refuses to believe the DNA test. Why start listening to logic now? Even better than the results of the test is this statement from Camp Keanu: "Reeves maintains that he has never met Sala." Oof.

I sorta feel sorry for the child, who is legally not a child anymore. (I guess you're always someone's child, but you know what I mean.) Imagine going through life believing that Keanu Reeves was your dad. By the time you were in your mid-teens, we'd be midway through the Matrix trilogy and all your female friends would be swooning for the guy who (according to your mom) was your dad. If you were male, you'd find it weird that all your friends wanted to sleep with your dad; if you were female, you'd have to stop yourself from swooning over your own dad!

And now, after all these years, it appears that Keanu Reeves is not (except according to your mother, who by this point you've assumed to be a little weird about her Keanu fixation) your dad after all. Could it get any worse?

Yes it can. Unbowed by the cold genetic facts of the DNA test, your mom has a revelation: "I was mistaken all along!" she says, laughing that laugh that makes you reach for a blunt instrument, just in case, "I remember now who your father really is! It's...it's...

"Alex Winter!"
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