The New York Times' Motherlode blog mentions one Dr. Anthony Rao, who uses Where the Wild Things Are as a parenting guide in his book, The Way of Boys. This paragraph (from the blog, not the book, though there is an excerpt on the blog) could be talking about our our son:Rao thinks that society has forgotten what “normal boy behavior” is. He spends much of his clinical time, and most of his book, explaining to parents what is going on in the heads of little boys, answering questions like: Why is he breaking everything? Why doesn’t he make eye contact? Why does he squirm endlessly? Why doesn’t he have friends yet? Yes, problems like ADHD and Aspergers are real, he believes, but often overdiagnosed in boys who are just being boys.Fortunately, Jackson was able to make friends, but he did run into some conflicts with his preschool/daycare teachers for antics that to us sounded like typical 3- or 4-year-old behavior.
I never went to daycare, or even preschool, so I pretty much ran wild until kindergarten. I have no idea how I would have handled the structured environment as a 3-year-old, having to sit in a circle for 20 minutes or so like the kids have to every day.
This first couple of times I took Jackson to birthday parties for his peers — and let's note that 4-year-old parties, back when I was 4, took place in someone's yard or basement, not at a Pump It Up or gymnastics joint or some other rented-out facility — I'd get embarrassed because he wouldn't line up or sit in a circle like (almost) all the other kids would, when asked to by the unnaturally loud teenage girls running the party who I'd sometimes stare at just to get me through the one-hour party hell of screaming children prior to the half-hour of pizza meal and birthday cake.
Then I realized, who was I embarrassed for? As long as he wasn't disrupting anyone or breaking anything, who cares? He had a good time, and the birthday boy/girl didn't give a shit, either.
But I digress. The excerpt, titled "When Time-Outs Don’t Work" is worth a read. Especially because in my house, time-outs often don't work. Read more...
I worked as a primary counselor at a day care for over 4 years watching children from 2 to 12 years old in groups numbering in the teens and I would have to agree with the insight written about in "When Time-Outs Don’t Work".
ReplyDeleteWhile I always used the general term "Time out" to refer to both having the child sit quietly in a chair or sending them for "time away" as explained in the article, for younger children the "time away" technique always worked better than having them sit quietly in a chair. At young ages it is almost impossible for children to sit quietly in one place and to force them to do so as a demonstration of their willingness to follow the rules only serves to frustrate the child and the care giver; because no mater how much they do want to follow the rules now, they still don’t always have the ability to sit quantity in one place.
By sending them for "time away", which for me was to isolate them from the rest of the children and not allow them to participate in the group, they are not asked to accomplish the impossible task of sitting still but are still able to feel the punishment they brought upon themselves of being isolated from the group.
In fact I would argue that being isolated is even more of a punishment for children at this age than being forced to sit still, as interaction is the thing children of this age crave the most even if it is the negative inaction of you asking them to sit still in time out.
One thing to keep in mind though when you send the child away, make sure you aren't sending them to a place where they can zone out completely. Today when there are computers, TVs, and Game consuls in the child's room you can defeat your self by sending them their only to find that they zoned out completely with these tools.
Aside from my work at the day care, I also did a lot of baby sitting and when I sent the child away to their room for braking the rules I would always be sure to unplug the TV and the game consuls (computers weren't as prevalent back then). They could play with their other toys as they wished, but they weren’t able to zone out and eventually they had to deal with their isolation.
It's not until the child gets older, around 7 or 8 that the traditional "Time out" becomes more effective. At this age the child is better able to reason out their situation and "time away" doesn’t seem so much of a punishment anymore because they can entertain themselves long enough to beat you at your own game. At this age and older making them sit quietly no longer is an imposable task for you to ask of them; and sitting quite is not entertaining. Now they will be willing and able to do as you ask, sit quite, in order to get back to more interesting pursuits.
As the child gets even older traditional "time out" doesn’t work as effectively anymore because now the child can wait you out just to spite you or even actively defy you with impunity. They become aware of the fact that sitting in a chair or "time away" doesn’t really hurt them and they also become aware that you have no real physical power over them to make them do anything they don’t want to do. At this point punishments need to start playing toward the things they do care about and you do have control over. I found these things to be physical possessions and peer acceptance.
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ReplyDeletePlaying on a child's peer acceptance as a form of punishment as a teacher in a daycare center was easy; I could easily manipulate the other children to no longer accept the child braking the rules as a part of their group. For example when my room was getting a bit unruly one game I would play with the children was a game I called "guilt by association". "guilt by association" had only two rules; 1) every one had to sit quilt in groups; 2) if any member of the group did not sit quietly than the whole group was punished and had to sit longer. If any child was continuing to be bad, the other children would quickly turn on him and demand that he be good. Not wanting to loss peer acceptance the bad child would compile. When there was no time for me to get the children into groups and I need a child to behave better, I would punish the whole class in some way and make it clear that it was because of the child who was acting badly.
Playing on a child's peer acceptance would be more difficult for a parent to do because they wouldn’t have groups of kids to turn on the bad child; but while baby sitting I was able to use the other siblings with success.
Taking away the older Childs possessions is easy to understand and implement.
Through this whole process however the most important thing is to be consistent. I often observe that the parent who says "Time out doesn’t work for my child" has their own consistency to blame. I have cared for the children who's parents swear up and down that "time out doesn't work" and I have made it work. Consistency really is the key; if the child gets punished the same way for the same crime every time they eventuality internalize that such and such behavior is going to land them in trouble and eventually opt not to exhibit that behavior. However if the parent is wishy washy and does not always punish the same way for the same crime; the child learns to push the envelope. They will see how far they can go before their wishy washy parent puts the brakes on.
Also it is best to stay as emotionally unattached to the situation as possible; granted this was easier for me than it would be for the parent after all these weren't my children. But if you begin to show frustration and anger the child will play off of these emotions in someway that will only exasperate the situation. If you stay level and monotonic than there is nothing for the child to grasp at.
I think you are more than ready for the impending birth, Dante.
ReplyDeleteYea; but I fear for Iris.
ReplyDelete