Monday, September 28, 2009

Also, Parents of Children Who Get Spanked Tend to Have Hands That Are More Sore Than Parents of Children Who Aren't Spanked

Lots of hubbub regarding the Time article that cites a guy claiming kids who get spanked have fewer IQ points than those who do not. One thing that stood out to me was the fact "that kids who were spanked at age 1 displayed more aggressive behavior by age 2."

Why would you spank a 1-year-old? Believe me, there were times, particularly during the night feedings from hell, when I'm pacing from my kitchen to my living room at 2:30am with that bundle of half my DNA and I allow myself to dream — nay, fantasize — about booting that brat through my bay window and then going back to bed to enjoy the most peaceful, if drafty, sleep ever.

But really, why would you spank a 1-year-old? That's an age where they not only shit their pants, they have no idea that they're shitting their pants.

We have yet to spank our children, though there are times I might have gotten a little rougher than I should have, pulling the kids apart when they're in each other's faces, for instance. But I can't imagine setting up a formal spanking. First of all, my kids are too squirmy to lay across my lap. Second, because they're very good at flailing away with their surprisingly strong limbs, I would likely get the worst of a spanking. "This hurts me more than it does you" indeed. Third, even though delivering corporal punishment would be some sort of emotional release, I know that, logically, spanking won't teach my kids a damn thing. Except that they can spank their friends.

I do have a special punishment in mind, if I ever get pushed far enough. I will ask the child to bring me the toy he or she loves most, and we will go outside to the Weber grill, and I will spray the toy with lighter fluid, and then I will light a match and order the child to ignite the toy bonfire.

And as that toy starts to cook and turn to black smoke, I will inhale deeply and declare that that smell is...parenting.

1 comment:

  1. I found this blog while doing a search for an English essay and I have to say I love it! You have given me a great new idea to use instead of resorting to a spank for my oldest.